EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK

EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK (1972). Director: Woody Allen. 

Woody Allen took some questions from the book of the same name and filmed several segments supposedly relating to these questions. "Do aphrodisiacs work?" is a very funny medieval sketch where Allen winds up with his hand locked in the chastity belt of his horny married queen (an excellent Lynn Redgrave). "What is Sodomy?" actually looks at bestiality as Gene Wilder plays a doctor who falls in love with a sheep. It's a bit yucky, like anything pertaining to the subject, but it has its moments. 

"Why do some women have trouble reaching orgasm?" is a spoof of Italian movies with Allen discovering that his wife (Louise Lasser) only gets turned on in public places. "Are transvestites homosexual?" presents Lou Jacobi (who's terrific) as a husband who gets caught wearing the clothing of his hostess at a dinner party. "What are sex perverts?" first has a homoerotic hair tonic ad, and then presents an episode of the TV show What's My Perversion? an erotic take on What's My Line? "Are Sex Research Findings Accurate?" has John Carradine letting loose a giant breast upon the world in a spoof of monster movies. In "What happens during ejaculation?" Woody plays a nervous sperm who doesn't really like the idea of being thrust out into the big wide womb. This is probably the most inventive segment. Everything You Always Wanted to Know is certainly not for all tastes but it has its share of laughs and holds the attention. You'll probably learn no more about sex than you did from the book. 

Verdict: Watch out for giant boobs! ***.

ROUND UP OF NEW AND RECENT FILMS PART FOUR

Dr. Strange 

Here are some mini-reviews of films that are less than twenty-five years old:

Deadly Whispers (1995). Director: Bill Norton. An investigation ensues when young Kathy Acton (Heather Tom) goes missing, and suspicion falls upon her father (Tony Danza). There are several good performances in this fact-inspired telefilm, especially from Pamela Reed as the missing girl's mother -- she is outstanding. **1/2.

Lonely Hearts (2006). Writer/Director: Todd Robinson. This is the third version of a true story already told in The Honeymoon Killers and Deep Crimson, only the focus in this version is on two homicide detectives (well-played by John Travolta and James Gandolfino, especially the former) with their own issues who track down the  exploiters and killers of lonely women, Ray Fernandez (Jared Leto) and Martha Beck (Salma Hayek). Leto and Hayek make a sexy and deadly duo of sociopaths,but making them share attention with the cops harms the movie. **1/2. .

You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger (2010). Writer/director: Woody Allen. When Alfie (Anthony Hopkins) walks out on his ding-bat wife, Helena (Gemma Jones), and marries a hooker, his daughter develops her own marital problems with her writer-husband (Josh Brolin). Meanwhile an alleged psychic, Cristal (Pauline Collins), is telling Helena how everyone should live their lives (past and future). This is a very entertaining and very well-acted comedy-drama that just misses being really special. It's typical Woody Allen, with lots of infidelity and screwed-up relationships. One plot point, in which a character steals a dead man's manuscript and presents it to a publisher as his own, has been much better handled elsewhere. **1/2.

Margin Call (2011). Director: J. C. Chandor. In 2008, after the head of their risk department is fired, an investment firm discovers that they are heading for a financial disaster; arguments ensue as to exactly which path the company will take to survive. Top-notch acting from such players as Kevin Spacey, Jeremy Irons, Demi Moore, Zachary Quinto, Stanley Tucci, Paul Bettany and Simon Baker, among others, helps keep this suspenseful and riveting, although some may be disappointed at the lack of highly dramatic fireworks. ***.

Honeymoon (2014). Director: Leigh Janiak. A couple (Harry Treadaway of Penny Dreadful and Rose Leslie) go to a cabin on their honeymoon and strange things begin to happen. Are one of both of them having a psychotic breakdown; is another couple nearby causing problems; or is there something odd going on in the woods? The movie is very well-acted and suspenseful but much too slow, and the wind-up borders on the ludicrous because it ultimately makes little sense. Too bad, because it holds the attention for quite awhile. **.

Home Sweet Hell (2015). Director: Anthony Burns. The acting is splendid in a very black comedy in which a man (Patrick Wilson) with a domineering and sociopathic wife (Katherine Heigl) is importuned by her to murder his avaricious and dishonest mistress (Jordana Brewster). Jim Belushi also scores as Wilson's friend and employee, but the movie becomes increasingly over the top and rather ridiculous. **1/2.

The Accountant (2016). Director: Gavin O'Connor. Two Treasury agents try to track down a mysterious CPA (Ben Affleck) with a strange family history who runs his own business but seems to have a number of dangerous sidelines. The picture has interesting twists and turns but ultimately it becomes a little silly. The acting is good, with J. K. Simmons a stand-out. This probably would have worked better as a novel. **1/2.

Dr. Strange (2016). Director: Scott Derrickson. Marvel's "Sorcerer Supreme" reinvented for the movies retains the idea of an arrogant surgeon (Benedict Cumberbatch) who searches for meaning after he loses the medical use of his hands. Tilda Swinton makes her mark as "The Ancient One" (given a sex-change from the comics), Cumberbatch [Star Trek Into Darkness] is okay, and there are some fine special effects, especially a sequence in which Manhattan is seemingly turned topsy turvey during a battle. The depictions of other-dimensions are interesting but there's nothing as bizarre as what artist Steve Ditko came up with in the comic book. The whole project is just kind of blah. Stan Lee's cutesy cameos in these things are getting tiresome. **1/2.

Logan (2017). Director: James Mangold. This tremendously over-rated movie takes a last look at the character of Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) -- James Logan of the X-Men -- and his mentor, Professor Xavier (Patrick Stewart), while adding a little girl, possibly Logan's daughter, who runs around beheading people with her claws. Meant to be moving, Logan is instead kind of silly and so restricted by dumb popular tastes that even a certified X-Men fan like myself found it stupid and tedious. The actors, however, are excellent and deserve a better vehicle. **.

The Death and Life of Marsha P. Johnson (2017). Director: David France. This documentary follows Victoria Cruz of the Anti-Violence Project as she tries to investigate the death of transgender activist Marsha P. Johnson. Was she murdered, or did she simply fall through the literal cracks in the pier near where her body was found? The movie has no real answers. It also looks at the life of transgender activist Sylvia Rivera, who became good friends with Marsha after their initial rivalry. There was criticism of the film because it was made by a white, gay, non-transgender (cisgender) man, but the real problem is that it borders on the superficial. One suspects that despite the very real challenges and discrimination Johnson and Rivera had to face, they had self-destructive streaks that only added to their problems. Johnson and Rivera get points for helping homeless transgender youths of color, but their work as LGBT political activists has been somewhat exaggerated. **1/2.

The Beguiled (2017), Director: Sofia Coppola. This remake of the near-classic Clint Eastwood film mixes Colin Farrell, Nicole Kidman, and Kirsten Dunst but comes up short. The simple truth is that while Farrell is arguably a better actor than Eastwood -- and he's quite good in the film -- Kidman is no match for Geraldine Page nor Dunst for Elizabeth Hartman from the original. Both of those actresses provided neurotic emotional fireworks that the new ladies lack. Still, it's an entertaining picture but not nearly as good as the earlier version. **1/2.

Batman and Harley Quinn (2017). Director: Sam Liu. Batman and Nightwing team up with reformed villainess Harley Quinn to stop a plot by her old friend Poison Ivy and the Floronic Man. This is the nadir of DC comics animated features, a disgracefully awful, self-indulgent mess that even includes jokes about flatulence. The worst Batman project ever, everyone involved in this should hang their heads in shame. Written by Bruce Timm and Jim Krieg. Why does DC keep foisting the irritating and obnoxious Harley Quinn on everyone? 1/2*.

Bad Match (2017). Written and directed by David Chirchirillo. An Internet stud hits the sheets with the wrong woman, who turns out to have a screw loose, acting like she's his fiancee when they've only had a couple of "dates." Before long he winds up fired from his job and accused of downloading kiddie porn onto his computer. Most men in this situation would stay far, far away from this "psycho bitch" who could easily accuse him of rape if he were ever alone with her, but our hero is so stupid that he goes to her apartment twice -- and worse. The film is not badly acted and has some suspense and a couple of twists, but it lacks the strong characterization and impact that might have made it more memorable. This is a good illustration of the old adage "it isn't what happens to us but how we react to it." **1/2.

Batman vs. Two-Face (2017), Director: Rick Morales. This is another animated film that is inspired by the sixties Batman TV show and which employs the voices of Adam West (Batman), Burt Ward (Robin) and Julie Newmar (Catwoman). The dynamic duo's main adversary is Two-Face, who also works with Hugo Strange and at one point auctions off Batman's secret identity to such villains as Bookworm, Joker, Riddler, and Penguin. King Tut also appears. The film is "cute," but the highlight is the closing credits in which the entire cast dance the "Batusi." Aunt Harriet can really shake it! The well-animated picture is dedicated to the late Adam West.**1/2.

Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017). Director: Jon Watts. Marvel has rebooted the Spider-Man franchise by turning him back into a high school kid (in the comics he didn't have much to do with the Avengers until he was an adult). This makes the movie with its 15-year-old hero (an enthusiastic Tom Holland) seem even more like a Disney movie for kids. Scenes of the boy's high school life rapidly become tedious in this very overlong movie which is distinguished strictly by two scenes: a battle on the Staten Island ferry, and a climactic mid-air fight involving a plane and a crash landing at Coney Island. These sequences are fairly spectacular, but there aren't enough of them, and the film goes on for fifteen minutes after the climax! The new supposedly high-tech versions of Spider-foes The Vulture (Michael Keaton) and Shocker aren't half as striking as the originals. In this The Vulture is the father of Spider-Man's crush Liz, and is using stolen alien technology to make weapons. Jacob Batalon makes an impression as Spider-Man's friend, Ned. **.

MATCH POINT

Scarlett Johansson and Jonathan Rhys Meyers

MATCH POINT (2005). Written and directed by Woody Allen.

"I don't care that he's good. I just hope he's lucky."

Chris Wilton (Jonathan Rhys Meyers of Stonewall) is a British tennis instructor who becomes friends with a client, Tom Hewett (Matthew Goode), and is sort of adopted by his wealthy family. Tom's sister Chloe (Emily Mortimer of The Pink Panther), falls for Chris, but he really has his eye on Tom's fiancee, the aspiring American actress Nola Rice (Scarlett Johansson). Before you can say Crimes and Misdemeanors, Chris finds himself with a wife, Chloe, a cushy new life and position in his father-in-law's firm, and a mistress -- Tom's ex-fiancee Nola -- who is pregnant and making noises. Now what is Chris to do? As this is a Woody Allen movie, what do you think? Although this was seen by many as a "return to form" for Allen, it's really just an inferior retread of Crimes, and comes off more like a rip-off of the far superior A Life in the Sun (from Dreiser's "An American Tragedy.")  The acting cannot be faulted, however, and it's a pleasure to see Penelope Wilton of Downton Abbey as Chris' mother-in-law. Since Allen has pretty much revealed himself as a self-involved man who doesn't respect boundaries, his sociopathic "hero" is the same, so you can expect the same depressing non-denouement as in Crimes and Misdemeanors. Fortunately, in real life sociopaths aren't always so lucky, as you can see on practically any true crime program.

Verdict: This over-rated reprise of Crimes and Misdemeanors is entertaining, smooth, and very well-acted, but we've seen it before -- and better. **1/2.

CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS

Woody Allen and Mia Farrow

CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS (1989). Written and directed by Woody Allen.

"When I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Everyone was too depressed."

Opthamologist Judah Rosenthal (Martin Landau of Mission: Impossible) has a wife, Miriam (Claire Bloom), and children, as well as a mistress, a stewardess named Delores (Anjelica Huston of Manhattan Murder Mystery). Delores is making noises that she wants to "have it out" with Miriam, and keeps pressuring Judah to leave his wife, which Judah will simply not do. Fearing that his life and reputation will be shattered, in desperation Judah turns to his much less respectable brother, Jack (Jerry Orbach), who suggests a certain final "solution"... As this plays out, we also meet documentary filmmaker Cliff Stern (Woody Allen), who has an unhappy marriage to un-supportive wife, Wendy (Joanna Gleason), and finds himself falling for producer Halley Reed (Mia Farrow), who is working with Cliff on a film about his brother-in-law, a borderline obnoxious TV personality named Lester (Alan Alda of Same Time, Next Year). Crimes and Misdemeanors is in some ways an odd and very Allen-like movie, with the two different story lines never quite merging, but the picture is still compelling, amusing, and ultimately horrifying. Its exploration of moral complexities is a little uneven because Judah's solution to the "problem" of his mistress is on a much darker level than Cliff's contemplation of an affair when it is clear that neither he nor his wife are in love with each other. Still, the picture features some wonderful performances (from virtually everyone, although Landau and Huston are cast stand-outs), Allen's typically trenchant dialogue and observations, and a depressing but sadly realistic wind up. Initially seen as a benevolent figure, it is clear that Judah is a selfish and self-justifying monster. There are no dramatic fireworks or revelations concerning his immoral actions, but the ending is nevertheless sickening. The theme of the film seems to be, as Judah states, "only in Hollywood are there happy endings."

Verdict: One of Allen's more memorable and entertaining pictures. ***.

MIA AND WOODY: LOVE AND BETRAYAL

MIA AND WOODY: LOVE AND BETRAYAL. Kristi Groteke with Marjorie Rosen. Carroll and Graf; 1994.

Kristi Groteke was Mia Farrow's nanny for several years, and became her friend and confident. Although she tries to suggest that Mia was okay with her writing this book, I seriously doubt if that was the case, for this tell-all tome, while essentially sympathetic to Farrrow, is unsparing and unflinching in its depiction of the actress and her relationship with long-time partner (but not spouse) Woody Allen and her children. As everyone knows, Allen's sexual and romantic relationship with Farrow's daughter, Soon-Yi Previn (adopted by Farrow and her then-husband Andre Previn) is what caused the sensational, lurid and distasteful split with Farrow. The book reveals that Soon-Yi has a very low IQ, but it also goes into intensely personal details about the other children, who should have been spared such scrutiny. The book is well-written and exhaustive, and also examines at length the charges that Allen molested his daughter, Dylan, and several court documents and statements are reproduced. In attempts to have a sensational bestseller, Groteke may have gone a little overboard (especially where the Innocent children are concerned), but this is undeniably a riveting and "juicy" read. This book was one of the sources for the telefilm Love and Betrayal: The Mia Farrow Story. Groteke undoubtedly got a bundle of cash for both book and movie, but I don't know if it did anyone else any good.

Verdict: This is why nannies should always sign confidentiality agreements! ***.

WILD AND WOOLLY WOODY ALLEN

Two faces of Woody Allen

WILD AND WOOLLY WOODY ALLEN.

Woody Allen turns eighty-one on December 1st, 2017.

Love 'im or hate 'im, he has been an influential filmmaker for many years, and has come out with a great many movies, some wonderful, some awful, some in-between. He has had an interesting, some would say scandalous, personal life, mostly centered around his relationship with significant other Mia Farrow (who he was not married to), and her adopted daughter, Soon-Yi Previn.

Whatever one's thoughts about that bizarre triangle, this week Great Old Movies looks at a slew of Woody Allen movies, from near-masterpieces like Broadway Danny Rose and The Purple Rose of Cairo to stink bombs like Stardust Memories to the merely mediocre like Bullets Over Broadway and Zelig. We also look at a recent biography of the man.

Whatever his flaws as a man and a filmmaker, Woody Allan was rarely if ever boring.

You can read posts of Allen's films that have been reviewed on this blog in previous months by using the search bar above.

STARDUST MEMORIES

Woody Allen realizes what a lousy picture he's made

STARDUST MEMORIES (1980). Written and directed by Woody Allen.

Filmmaker Sandy Bates (Woody Allen), a Woody Allen-clone, goes to a retrospective of his work at the Stardust Hotel and encounters manic fans while he contemplates his past and several of the women he has loved or wants to love. These include actress Dorrie (Charlotte Rampling of 45 Years); French Isobel (Marie-Christine Barrault of Swann in Love), who wants to marry him; and Daisy (Jessica Harper of Suspiria), a violinist with issues. Stardust Memories is Allen working in a Fellini-esque mode (with a bit of Bergman thrown in) and coming up so short that it's laughable. Not only is Allen no Fellini, but Stardust Memories is a rarity among Allen films -- it's criminally boring. There's no real plot to the movie -- and while there are the usual stand-up quips and interesting observations -- the dream sequences are tiresome and the real-life sequences aren't much better. There's limited fun in picking out which actor is playing which real-life person in Allen's life. If Allen thinks that peopling his movie with interesting faces will turn him into Fellini, he's sadly mistaken. Not only is this possibly the worst of Allen's films, it's one of the worst movies ever made. A self-indulgent mess.

Verdict: A tedious embarrassment for all concerned. *.

ZELIG

Zelig is examined by doctors

ZELIG (1983). Written and directed by Woody Allen.

"[Freud] and I broke up over penis envy. He thought it should be limited to women. -- Zelig.

This fake documentary looks at the life of weird Leonard Zelig, who takes on not only the personality of whoever he's with but even the physical appearance, becoming fat if he's with an obese person, and turning into a "Negro" if he's with a black man, and so on. Dr. Eudora Fletcher (Mia Farrow) becomes his chief doctor and eventually begins a relationship with him, but just when he seems cured, it turns out that he's been rather busy while he was in other personalities, and the public affection for him begins to disappear ... Zelig is too long even at just 80 minutes, as we're asked to enjoy this stunt movie long after the basic premise has been sufficiently explored. The film mixes actual file footage with recreated 1920's scenes or cleverly inserts Allen into real-life newsreels. As usual, there are some funny lines and good performances, and there are those who will claim this is a masterpiece, but to me the movie is distinctly minor.

Verdict: Woody Allen's Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid. **1/2.

BROADWAY DANNY ROSE

Woody Allen as Danny Rose

BROADWAY DANNY ROSE (1984). Written and directed by Woody Allen.

A group of well-known comics sit around and talk about the past, and one of them (Sandy Baron) tells a long story about the theatrical agent, Danny Rose (Woody Allen), which comprises most of the film. Danny is a struggling agent who is now pinning his hopes on one client, Lou Canova (Nick Apollo Forte), who had one hit record in the fifties and has been trying to make a comeback ever since. Things are finally going Lou's way, thanks to Danny, but there are complications. The very much married Lou has fallen in love with his mistress, Tina (Mia Farrow), and Tina is coveted by another man whose gangster brothers mistake Danny for her boyfriend. But there's an even worse betrayal in store for Danny. Broadway Danny Rose is one of Allen's best films, in which he portrays one of his most sympathetic characters, a decent man who cares perhaps more about his clients than he should and has a good heart. Mia Farrow and Forte are also right on the money in their portrayals of a hard-boiled woman who develops a conscience, and a vain man who gets a second chance and to Hell with everyone else. Allen's use of gangsters in his movies can be, as I've noted, tiresome, but that doesn't seem to be a problem in this picture. There are numerous fine supporting performances in the movie, but I especially liked Herb Reynolds as Barney Dunn, one of the world's worst ventriloquists. This was Forte's first and only film (he also had two television appearances, playing himself on Billions) and he's quite good -- he was basically a lounge singer and piano player when he was discovered by Allen; like Lou, he had one recording yeas in the past.

Verdict: A lovely movie. ***1/2.

THE PURPLE ROSE OF CAIRO

Jeff Daniels and Mia Farrow

THE PURPLE ROSE OF CAIRO (1985). Writer/director: Woody Allen.

"In New Jersey, anything can happen."

In a dreary small town in 1935, Cecelia (Mia Farrow) has an unhappy marriage with the often out-of-work Monk (Danny Aiello of City Hall). Cecelia seeks refuge in the movies, where she especially loves a film called The Purple Rose of Cairo, and the lead character, Tom Baxter, played by actor Gil Shepherd (Jeff Daniels). In an astonishing turn of events, "Tom Baxter" walks right off the screen and into the real world, leaving the other actors/characters in the movie standing around wringing their hands. "How many times is a man so taken with a woman that he leaves the movie just to meet her," muses Tom. Just as Cecelia, who begins a romance with the charming Tom, is trying to make sense of all this, the real Gil Shepherd, who has heard what's happened, shows up in town ... This movie and its look at how influential movies can be on real life and the necessary escape they offer may not work for everyone, but I found it charming, absorbing, and ultimately moving. The actors offer sensitive and dead-on portrayals. Van Johnson, Edward Herrmann, Zoe Cladwell, and Milo O'Shea, among others, appear in the film-within-a-film.

Verdict: Not perfect perhaps, but it remains one of Allen's most likable movies. ***.

HANNAH AND HER SISTERS

Farrow, Hershey, and Weist

HANNAH AND HER SISTERS (1986). Written and directed by Woody Allen.

"I particularly love the mother, just a boozy old flirt with a filthy mouth." --Hannah's mother basically talking about herself.

Hannah (Mia Farrow) has a happy life with her husband, Elliot (Michael Caine). but she's unaware that he has fallen in love with her free-spirited sister, Lee (Barbara Hershey of Black Swan). As Lee and Elliot begin a guilt-wracked affair, Hannah's other sister, Holly (Dianne Wiest), a struggling actress, starts a catering business with her friend, April (Carrie Fisher), and the two both fall for married architect, David (Sam Waterston). Hannah's ex-husband, Mickey (Woody Allen) is drawn to Holly years after they had a disastrous first date. Like most of Allen'\s films, Hannah and Her Sisters is quite entertaining, with some fine acting from virtually the entire cast, but Allen himself -- who comes off like a stand-up comic sprouting lines, many of which are admittedly amusing -- doesn't really fit that neatly into the picture. I\m not sufficiently interested in exploring Allen's psyche to delve into any so-called deep meanings in his movies, but Hannah is engaging enough but no real masterpiece, despite its popularity. The business with Mickey thinking he may have a brain tumor is tasteless. As usual, many of the characters, admirably cultured, do what's expedient, not necessarily what's right. Max von Sydow shows up briefly as an older man that Lee discards once things heat up with Elliot, and Maureen O'Sullivan [Tarzan Escapes], Mia Farrow's mother in real life, plays Hannah's mother, with Lloyd Nolan [Portrait in Black] as her husband. Julie Kavner, who has a small role as a co-worker of Mickey's, does the same tiresome shtick she's been doing since she played Rhoda's sister on TV.

Verdict: Interesting and fun, but also kind of minor all told. **1/2.

BULLETS OVER BROADWAY

Dianne Weist and the ensemble 

BULLETS OVER BROADWAY (1994). Director/co-writer: Woody Allen.

"I just pity any poor folk who have to pay to see this play."

In order to get his play mounted on Broadway, David Shayne (John Cusack of City Hall) allows in an inappropriate cast member, Olive (Jennifer Tilly of Seed of Chucky), because her mobster boyfriend, Nick (Joe Viterelli), decides to back the show. Nick assigns a bodyguard to Olive, a hit man named Cheech (Chazz Palminteri), who starts making impromptu critiques of the play .. only his criticisms are valid. Before long it's a question of who is the true artist behind the show. But what can one do about the screeching and awful Olive? Woody Allen does not appear in Bullets Over Broadway -- which is a plus or minus depending on how you look at it -- and it's another of Allen's pastiche films inspired by superior forties movies with a "modern"-type sensibility. It's another in a long line of movies that present sympathetic hit men, for one thing, while also showing him committing several murders. The movie takes place during the roaring twenties but it doesn't have much period atmosphere. Dianne Wiest won a supporting actress Oscar for her role of the diva Helen Sinclair, but while she is good, it's hard not to notice that she's simply trading off of decades of previous actresses who have played affected, breathless theater and movie stars; nothing new here. John Cusack is fine, although this is an actor who through no fault of his own is just hopelessly bland no matter what he's in. Tracey Ullman [Into the Woods] has a nice turn as an ever-laughing cast member who always carries her little dog with her, and Jack Warden is good as David's agent, but no one else is especially impressive, except perhaps Annie Joe Edwards, who is snappy as Olive's maid, Venus, but whom Allen doesn't allow to become a character in her own right. The movie is fairly entertaining and has some good twists and humor, but it's also kind of stupid, with the whole notion of a sensitive, artistic hit man being a little too precious for this critic to swallow. Allen may have been thinking of himself when he has Rob Reiner say "An artist creates his own moral universe." For those who hate Jennifer Tilly's voice and think she's a freak of nature, you'll especially enjoy one scene that comes late in the movie. To be fair, Tilly's performance is good even if she herself is a little flesh-crawling.

Verdict: The actors seem to be having more fun than the audience. **1/2.

CAFE SOCIETY

Jesse Eisenberg

CAFE SOCIETY (2016). Writer/director: Woody Allen.

"First a murderer, then a Christian -- what did I do to deserve this?" -- Rose.

Bobby (Jesse Eisenberg) moves from Brooklyn to try his luck in 1930's Los Angeles, where his uncle Phil (Steve Carell) is an agent. Bobby becomes friends with Phil's secretary, Vonnie (Kristen Stewart), unaware that she is his uncle's mistress. Later Bobby opens up a New York nightclub with his gangster brother, Ben (Corey Stoll of Dark Places). But can Bobby outrun his heart and Ben the law? Cafe Society is a pleasant Woody Allen movie without Allen in the cast. Wisely recognizing that he could no longer play the naive young man starting out in life, Allen cast appealing Jesse Eisenberg as his surrogate, and it was a smart choice. You can just hear Allen saying the dialogue in his inimitable way as we watch Eisenberg play his part, and play it well, although the better-looking man plays the real, shrewd Allen more than his usual nebbish on-screen persona -- another wise choice. The gangster stuff is as tiresome as it generally is in Allen's movies, but there are some fine performances, especially from Jeanne Berlin [The Heartbreak Kid] as Mother Rose and Ken Stott as her husband. The picture is handsomely produced, with Vittorio Storaro's cinematography especially breath-taking. Cafe Society is a nice enough picture, but it's still a minor effort with a somewhat unsatisfying conclusion and a protagonist who can be annoying at times. The cast-off spouse of one character is completely forgotten, which is pretty typical of Allen since his split from Mia Farrow and even before. Eisenberg is certainly better in this than he was in Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice.  Storaro's exquisite work was also seen in such films as Exorcist: The Beginning.

Verdict: Great to look at, with a highly pleasant lead actor, but no great shakes when all is said and done. **1/2.

WOODY THE BIOGRAPHY

WOODY: THE BIOGRAPHY. David Evanier. St. Martin's; 2015.

This "biography" of filmmaker, comic and actor Woody Allen is much more of a rumination on the man than a full bio, although Evanier does his best to hit all the important bases. The author doesn't really start to get into his subject's life story until a quarter of the way into the book, and focuses on certain key films while virtually ignoring many others. In more or less chronological order he also looks at Allen's relationships with wives, girlfriends, and children -- Louise Lasser, Diane Keaton, Mia Farrow, and others --  and ends up the book with a long dissection of the sordid Woody-Mia Farrow mess. clearly coming down on Allen's side. Evanier doesn't necessarily gloss over Allen's failings as both filmmaker and man (he deservedly hates Stardust Memories, for instance, as well as Interiors, and isn't blind to Allen's character flaws) but the book does function primarily as a defense of some of Allen's actions and especially of Mia Farrow's charges of child molestation. (We must remember that his lover Soon-Yi, was an adult at the time their affair began, but still one has to wonder at the inappropriateness, vulgar audacity, and staggering lack of sensitivity that led to Allen having a relationship with his girlfriend's daughter, who was also the sister of his own children. Soon-Yi's motivations for taking up with a comparatively homely middle-aged but famous and wealthy man I'll leave to others to ponder). Woody: The Biography has some interviews with people who know and worked with Allen, and an interview with Dick Cavett is reproduced in its entirety but functions more as padding than anything else. Although Allen did not cooperate with the book as such, he did agree to answer some of Evanier's questions via email, but these don't seem to have provided that much enlightenment.

Verdict: Interesting read, but only an average bio. ***.

THE FRONT

Zero Mostel with Woody Allen in background

THE FRONT (1976). Produced and directed by Martin Ritt. Written by Walter Bernstein.

Alfred Miller (Michael Murphy), a blacklisted writer, asks his friend Howard Prince (Woody Allen) if he will "front" for him, submitting teleplays under his own name and giving him the money minus a 10% commission. Howard decides to do this for other blacklisted writers as well and before long he has become one of the top names in the industry, with plenty of money, a beautiful apartment, and a girlfriend in Florence Barrett (Andrea Marcovicci), who works for the live anthology show to which he sells most of his teleplays. But then the star of the show, comic Hecky Brown (Zero Mostel) is let go because of alleged communist ties, and told that he just might get his career back if he learns all he can about Howard Prince ... The Front is an absorbing picture with a deceptively light tone at first but it leads to a shocking suicide and a dramatic resolution. Mostel gives a knock-out performance as Hecky, bottling up rage and despair until it comes violently loose, and he pretty much wipes the top-billed Allen off of the screen. Allen's casting is problematic. After some early negative experiences when he was not in charge, he has mostly only appeared in his own films, and The Front is a very rare exception. Obviously he respected and trusted director Martin Ritt [Hud], but while his name might have brought more people into the theaters, it's obvious that he's still playing "Woody Allen" (if playing it well) and one can only wonder what another performer might have brought to the role. Still, he doesn't ruin the film and may have helped get its message across. Ritt, writer Bernstein, and several actors in the production were themselves blacklisted in the fifties, including Mostel, Hershel Bernardi [Peter Gunn], and Lloyd Gough [The Green Hornet].  The movie has humor and heart but never forgets the seriousness and tragedy of the fifties witch hunts.

Verdict: Mostel's finest hour and a half. ***.

LOVE AND BETRAYAL: THE MIA FARROW STORY

Patsy Kensit as Mia Farrow

LOVE AND BETRAYAL: THE MIA FARROW STORY (1995 telefilm/mini-series). Director: Karen Arthur.

"If this scandal breaks, the media will put your corpse in an envelope and mail it to Roman Polanski."

Based on a biography of Mia Farrow (Patsy Kensit) as well as a tell-all by her former nanny -- but not on her own memoirs -- this telefilm looks at the life of the actress with particular emphasis on her scandalous relationship with long-time partner and artistic associate Woody Allen (Dennis Boutsikaris). Flashbacks reveal Farrow's relationships with Frank Sinatra (Richard Muenz) and Andre Previn (Robert LuPone), both of whom married her whereas Allen did not. The shit hits the fan when Farrow discovers that Allen has been having an affair with her own adopted daughter, Soon-Yi Previn (Grace Una), under her nose, which is betrayal from two people she loves. Soon-Yi is an adult, but later Mia charges that Allen molested a much younger daughter, Dylan (who maintains that to this day). Cynthia A. Cherbak has written an excellent script which intelligently examines this business from both sides, but whatever Farrow's faults (and she has many) it's hard not to see Allen as a sleaze-bucket who showed no restraint but rather slept with his long-time girlfriend's daughter, who was also the sister of his own children (Allen was not the father, adoptive or otherwise, of Soon-Yi). The telefilm is extremely well-acted by a cast that is invariably more attractive than the characters they portray, and along the way we're treated to glimpses of versions of Maureen O'Sullivan (Frances Helm); Dory Previn, Andre's cast-off wife (Lynne Cormack); Roman Polanski (Bruce McCarty); and other personages well-known or not. Kensit actually played Mia Farrow's daughter in The Great Gatsby, and has had many credits, and Boutsikaris has had even more.

Verdict: An entertaining and very well-acted three hours. ***.

HUSBANDS AND WIVES

Mia Farrow

HUSBANDS AND WIVES (1992). Written and directed by Woody Allen.

"You use sex to express every emotion except love."

Jack (Sydney Pollack) and his wife. Sally (Judy Davis of My Brilliant Career), are long-time friends of Gabe Roth (Woody Allen) and his wife, Judy (Mia Farrow). The Roths are startled and dismayed when Jack and Sally announce that they're splitting up, but they assure them that "it's perfectly okay." However, it turns out to be not so okay when Sally discovers that Jack has been having an affair with the much-younger Samantha (Lysette Anthony of the reboot of Dark Shadows). Sally starts seeing Judy's co-worker Michael (Liam Neeson of The Other Man) while Gabe finds himself drawn to his young, admiring student, Rain (Juliette Lewis), and Judy has her own attraction to Michael. Can any of these people ever find happiness? Husbands and Wives begins quite well but suffers from a more contrived second half, which may have been influenced by the true-life events of the highly publicized Woody-Mia break up at the time. Otherwise, as usual, the picture is entertaining, very well-acted by all (with high marks to Davis, Anthony, and Lewis, in particular), and has some interesting observations and intelligent dialogue. Once again we have Allen showing off almost in fetishistic fashion his alleged appeal to younger and much more attractive females (Soon-Yi Previn notwithstanding); yes, sometimes the "yuck" factor gets in the way. However, one of the best scenes has Rain telling Gabe what she thinks of his new unpublished novel, and what it says about his attitude toward women, in a taxi. The shaky hand-held camera shots can be distracting.

Verdict: Not bad, not great, but never uninteresting. **12.  

WHAT'S NEW, PUSSYCAT?

Woody Allen is analyzed by Peter Sellers

WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT? (1965). Director: Clive Donner. Screenplay by Woody Allen.

Dr. Frtiz Fassbender (Peter Sellers) is a very weird psychoanalyst with a jealous, Wagnerian wife (Eddra Gale). Most of Fassbender's clients are in serious need of help, including Michael James (Peter O'Toole), who has a fiancee, Carol (Romy Schneider of Sissi), but who just can't keep away from admiring women. Fassbender has the hots for another client, Renee (Capucine of The Pink Panther), but she, too, prefers Michael. Then there's Victor (Woody Allen in his film debut), who supposedly has a girlfriend but who winds up in a dalliance with Carol. And we mustn't forget Liz (Paula Prentiss of Follow the Boys), who decides she wants to marry Michael after a one-night-stand and keeps trying to commit suicide. All of these characters and more wind up at a trysting place where there are rooms named after great lovers ("We've put two cheating men in the Don Juan room." says the proprietor.) If What's New, Pussycat? sounds riotous be warned that it's often more frenetic than funny and that the treatment is a bit smarmy and silly instead of sophisticated. Sellers is wonderful and most of the cast are at least enthusiastic. The opening with Fassbender and his wife is rather hilarious, however, and there are amusing moments throughout. The film's frankness was probably refreshing in this period. At one point Sellers/Fassbender analyzes Victor/Allen. Ultimately, Sellers is the more versatile and brilliant comedian; Woody developed his nebbish persona (from his stand-up act) in this movie and has never veered from it one iota.The title tune is warbled by the then-very popular Tom Jones, who used to get panties thrown at him by the ladies in the audience during his live shows.

Verdict: Silly stuff, but very popular in its day -- Allen's first movie and first hit. **1/2.

ANNIE HALL

Diane Keaton and Woody Allen

ANNIE HALL (1977). Director: Woody Allen. Screenplay by Allen and Marshall Brickman.

:There's too much emphasis on orgasms to make up for the emptiness in life.: -- Alvy.

"Who said that?" -- Annie.

"Leopold and Loeb." -- Alvy.

Comedian Alvy Singer (Woody Allen) tells us of his relationship with, and ultimate bittersweet breakup from, girlfriend Annie Hall (Diane Keaton) in a tale that looks at how people can love one another but may not be right as lifelong partners. Annie Hall is one of Allen's most likable and entertaining movies, a frequently inventive comedy-drama (with emphasis on comedy) in which Allen/Singer talks directly to the audience, and he and other characters observe and comment as they look back at their younger selves with earlier lovers, and so on. Allen [Shadows and Fog] and Keaton [Shoot the Moon] both offer winning performances and there are small roles/cameos from Colleen Dewhurst [You Can't Take It With You], Christopher Walken, Carol Kane, Shelley Duvall, Janet Margolin, and larger roles for Tony Roberts (whose character of a sitcom actor never seems remotely real) and Paul Simon as a wealthy record producer (he's fine). An odd scene has Annie talking about a tragic, shell-shocked uncle without having any real understanding of what the poor man must have gone through and laughing at it until she realizes "I guess it's not funny." Duh! The film has a sub-text of the differences between a New York and Hollywood lifestyle, not to mention the differences between Manhattan and L.A. You can't say that either Alvy or Annie are people you might actually want to hang out with, but they make an engaging sort of couple for the movie if nothing else. Allen won Oscars for writing (along with Marshall Brickman) and directing and was nominated for his performance; Keaton won the Best Actress Oscar, and the movie won Best Picture.

Verdict: Not really a masterpiece as such, but lots of airy charm and creative fun in this. ***.

MANHATTAN

Allen, Keaton, Murphy, Hoffman

MANHATTAN  (1979 ). Director: Woody Allen.Written by Allen and Marshall Brickman.

"I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics."

"My first wife was a kindergarten teacher. She got into drugs, moved to L.A. became a moonie. Now she's a William Morris agent."

41-year-old Isaac (Woody Allen), whose wife, Jill (Meryl Streep), left him for another woman, Connie (Karen Ludwig), is now dating an adoring 17-year-old named Tracy (Mariel Hemingway). Isaac's buddy, Yale (Michael Murphy), who is married to Emily (Anne Byrne Hoffman), is having an affair with Mary (Diane Keaton), but Isaac and Mary find themselves drawn to each other, especially as Yale shows no signs of leaving his wife, and Isaac is all too aware of the age difference between him and Tracy. As Manhattan begins, it seems to be a love valentine to New York City, but as the movie proceeds it becomes clear that it is just another Woody Allen Movie with the same fake, self-serving Woody Allen-type characters.you see in most of his movies. This "Manhattan" is strictly for and about rich white upper eastsiders -- you won't see a Black, Latino or Asian face throughout the movie (although there is a gay couple, as mentioned)! 

As expected, there's some good dialogue, and the acting is mostly on target, although Keaton tries to be amusing and generally fails. A built-in problem with Allen's movies is that, while the real Allen probably has no problem getting dates because he's rich and famous, having all these women throwing themselves at a less successful fellow who looks like Allen is highly improbable. Given what we now know of Allen's private life, it's easy to see why the plot goes in certain directions. Bella Abzug has a cameo and the repulsive Wallace Shawn, even less attractive than Allen, shows up very briefly as Keaton's ex-husband. Back in the seventies, Allen's films were seen as sharp and sophisticated and altogether wonderful, dealing frankly with adult subject matter, or what passes for same, but many of them don't really hold up and are due for reevaluation. Manhattan does its best to avoid the real dramatic scenes, especially in the depiction of Yale's discarded wife. The ending to the film makes Isaac seem even yuckier.

Verdict: Allen has made some good movies, but this isn't one of them. This should have been called A Nerd's Fantasy Life. **.