STARDUST MEMORIES

Woody Allen realizes what a lousy picture he's made

STARDUST MEMORIES (1980). Written and directed by Woody Allen.

Filmmaker Sandy Bates (Woody Allen), a Woody Allen-clone, goes to a retrospective of his work at the Stardust Hotel and encounters manic fans while he contemplates his past and several of the women he has loved or wants to love. These include actress Dorrie (Charlotte Rampling of 45 Years); French Isobel (Marie-Christine Barrault of Swann in Love), who wants to marry him; and Daisy (Jessica Harper of Suspiria), a violinist with issues. Stardust Memories is Allen working in a Fellini-esque mode (with a bit of Bergman thrown in) and coming up so short that it's laughable. Not only is Allen no Fellini, but Stardust Memories is a rarity among Allen films -- it's criminally boring. There's no real plot to the movie -- and while there are the usual stand-up quips and interesting observations -- the dream sequences are tiresome and the real-life sequences aren't much better. There's limited fun in picking out which actor is playing which real-life person in Allen's life. If Allen thinks that peopling his movie with interesting faces will turn him into Fellini, he's sadly mistaken. Not only is this possibly the worst of Allen's films, it's one of the worst movies ever made. A self-indulgent mess.

Verdict: A tedious embarrassment for all concerned. *.

SWANN IN LOVE

Two couples of very different sorts: Irons, Muni, Delon, Baby

SWANN IN LOVE (1984). Director: Volker Schlondorff.

Charles Swann (Jeremy Irons of The Pink Panther 2) develops an all-consuming passion for a former courtesan named Odette (Ornella Muti of Flash Gordon), and is warned by friends that it could ruin his sterling reputation if he ever marries her. Meanwhile his close friend, the Baron de Charlus (Alain Delon of The Leopard) conducts (fairly) discreet affairs with a variety of men. Charles becomes obsessed with the idea that Odette has been with women (an experience for her that he would be cut off from), as he's obviously nothing like the 21st century men who might find it a turn-on if their girlfriends fooled around with other women. Swann in Love is taken from sections of Marcel Proust's many-volumed novel, In Search of Lost Time (aka Remembrance of Things Past) , especially part of the first volume (Swann's Way) and jumbles things around while still dealing with many of Proust's fascinating themes. As for Odette's possible lesbian past, Swann's search for the truth almost unfolds as a mystery, but then is dropped as Swann temporarily comes to the conclusion that Odette is not really his type. Other characters include the Duchesse de Geurmantes (Fanny Ardent), who hopes to snare Charles for herself, and Madame Verdurin (Marie-Christine Barrault), an alleged patroness of the arts whom Charles thinks is practically a procuress for Odette. We also briefly meet a young Jewish man (Nicolas Baby) who angers the baron when he rejects his pass in a coach. The performances are all good, the Parisian settings and atmosphere are impeccable, and the movie is reasonably entertaining, but ultimately it just adds up to a collection of scenes instead of a really good movie. One of the best of these scenes has the Baron mounting a staircase, staring at and flirting with all of the male attendants along the way, while Charles seems clueless. Although Delon is a bit foppish as the baron, at least he doesn't mince it up too much.

Verdict: Others have said that it would be nearly impossible to capture Proust's prose for the screen and they're probably right. **1/2.