EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK

EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK (1972). Director: Woody Allen. 

Woody Allen took some questions from the book of the same name and filmed several segments supposedly relating to these questions. "Do aphrodisiacs work?" is a very funny medieval sketch where Allen winds up with his hand locked in the chastity belt of his horny married queen (an excellent Lynn Redgrave). "What is Sodomy?" actually looks at bestiality as Gene Wilder plays a doctor who falls in love with a sheep. It's a bit yucky, like anything pertaining to the subject, but it has its moments. 

"Why do some women have trouble reaching orgasm?" is a spoof of Italian movies with Allen discovering that his wife (Louise Lasser) only gets turned on in public places. "Are transvestites homosexual?" presents Lou Jacobi (who's terrific) as a husband who gets caught wearing the clothing of his hostess at a dinner party. "What are sex perverts?" first has a homoerotic hair tonic ad, and then presents an episode of the TV show What's My Perversion? an erotic take on What's My Line? "Are Sex Research Findings Accurate?" has John Carradine letting loose a giant breast upon the world in a spoof of monster movies. In "What happens during ejaculation?" Woody plays a nervous sperm who doesn't really like the idea of being thrust out into the big wide womb. This is probably the most inventive segment. Everything You Always Wanted to Know is certainly not for all tastes but it has its share of laughs and holds the attention. You'll probably learn no more about sex than you did from the book. 

Verdict: Watch out for giant boobs! ***.

PENELOPE

Natalie Wood

PENELOPE (1966). Director: Arthur Hiller.

Penelope (Natalie Wood) is the neglected wife of a bank president, James Elcott (Ian Bannen of Psyche 59). Apparently she has had a problem with stealing -- which gives her pleasure -- for some years, but her crowning achievement, some might say, is robbing her husband's bank on the very day it opens. Two cops -- Lt. Bixbee (Peter Falk) and Sergeant Rothschild (Bill Gunn) -- are called in to investigate, and are quickly on the trail of a blond woman with a French accent who disguised herself as an old lady and changed her clothing and wig in the ladies room. The two cops get closer and closer to Penelope, but ultimately arrest a streetwalker named Honeysuckle Rose (Arlene Golonka). Will Penelope come clean and keep this innocent woman out of jail?

Penelope in old lady drag

Penelope has its amusing moments, but as a major comedy it's a bust. Natalie Wood is cute in the picture, but her character calls more for a kookie Gracie Allen-type -- even Phyllis Diller would have been better in some ways -- and Wood doesn't really have sharp comedic skills. Ian Bannen isn't especially funny, either, but although he's initially rather off-putting, his performance is acceptable. At first Dick Shawn as Penelope's psychiatrist doesn't exactly act as if he's in a comedy, but he has his moments as well. Lila Kedrova and Lou Jacobi enliven the film a bit with their portrayal of a couple who run a dress shop. Jonathan Winters is completely wasted in a terrible flashback wherein he plays Penelope's college professor who literally tries to rape her -- even back in 1966 this sequence must have seemed utterly tasteless.

Peter Falk

Yet Penelope never quite made it onto my Films I Just Couldn't Finish list. That's because the movie is generally watchable, moves fairly quickly, and has some interesting twists to it that keep you  involved. As for the other actors, Peter Falk is fine, although one could argue that he's auditioning for his role on Columbo. Bill Gunn is a likable African-American actor who does what he can with a small if sympathetic part. Norma Crane [Night Gallery] is zesty as Elcott's ex-girlfriend, who just won't let go, and Arlene Golanka [Diary of a Bachelor] really runs with her brief portrayal of Honeysuckle. If you don't blink you'll also see adept bits by Jerome Cowan and Fritz Feld. Wood didn't make another movie for three years after this flick bombed at the box office.  

Verdict:  If the biggest laugh comes from a character's burping, you know a comedy is in trouble. **1/2.                                                                                                                                                    

IS YOUR HONEYMOON REALLY NECESSARY

Diana Dors and Bonar Colleano

IS YOUR HONEYMOON REALLY NECESSARY (1953). Director: Maurice Elvey.

American serviceman Commander Laurie Vining (Bonar Colleano) arrives in London for his honeymoon with his second wife, Gillian (Diana Decker). Unfortunately his first wife, Candy (Diana Dors of Berserk) shows up at the hotel and insists that they were never actually divorced. Laurie calls his lawyer, Frank (David Tomlinson) for help even as he makes up excuses to stay out of the marital bed. Eventually both Candy and Frank wind up moving into the suite. How will Laurie manage to get out of this sticky situation! Is Your Honeymoon Really Necessary is based on what must have been a mediocre drawing room comedy and never gets off the ground, although some of the performances help. Dors is adorable and adept; Tomlinson is on the money; Becker is very appealing; and while the unconventionally attractive Colleano is certainly no Cary Grant as an actor, he manages to get his character across. Sidney James is a soldier friend of Laurie's named Hank, and MacDonald Parke is Admiral Fields. Lou Jacobi has a very small role as a testy captain. One odd thing is that an unmarried maid named Lucy (Audrey Freeman) keeps flirting with various men and they react as if she's Margaret Hamilton when she's actually quite pretty. Hank acts upset when she kisses him, but she's out of the homely guy's league, which the picture just doesn't seem to get. Maurice Elvey also directed The Tunnel.

Verdict: Skip it if you can. **.