STARDUST MEMORIES

Woody Allen realizes what a lousy picture he's made

STARDUST MEMORIES (1980). Written and directed by Woody Allen.

Filmmaker Sandy Bates (Woody Allen), a Woody Allen-clone, goes to a retrospective of his work at the Stardust Hotel and encounters manic fans while he contemplates his past and several of the women he has loved or wants to love. These include actress Dorrie (Charlotte Rampling of 45 Years); French Isobel (Marie-Christine Barrault of Swann in Love), who wants to marry him; and Daisy (Jessica Harper of Suspiria), a violinist with issues. Stardust Memories is Allen working in a Fellini-esque mode (with a bit of Bergman thrown in) and coming up so short that it's laughable. Not only is Allen no Fellini, but Stardust Memories is a rarity among Allen films -- it's criminally boring. There's no real plot to the movie -- and while there are the usual stand-up quips and interesting observations -- the dream sequences are tiresome and the real-life sequences aren't much better. There's limited fun in picking out which actor is playing which real-life person in Allen's life. If Allen thinks that peopling his movie with interesting faces will turn him into Fellini, he's sadly mistaken. Not only is this possibly the worst of Allen's films, it's one of the worst movies ever made. A self-indulgent mess.

Verdict: A tedious embarrassment for all concerned. *.

GEORGY GIRL

Big Face meets Big Bones: Alan Bates, Lynn Redgrave

GEORGY GIRL (1966). Director: Silvio Narizzano.

Georgina (Lynn Redgrave) is a homely, big-boned, schlumpy 22-year-old who lives with her ice princess roommate, Meredith (the well-cast Charlotte Rampling of Asylum), who has a nutty boyfriend named Jos (Alan Bates of An Unmarried Woman). Georgina gets a bizarre "business" proposition from James Leamington (James Mason) -- her father is Leamington's major domo -- who wants her to become his official mistress; obviously big bones and messiness turn him on. But Georgy is much more attracted to Jos, who has gotten Meredith pregnant and may marry her ... what's a big-boned girl to do? It's hard to believe that this movie was once popular, because the only thing really memorable about it is the amusing theme song performed by the Seekers. Redgrave and Georgy are irritating to the extreme; Bates seems to think he's acting in a cartoon; Mason, demeaned by his role, doesn't seem to know where the hell he is or what he's doing; and Rampling, of all people, comes off best in her steely portrait of a cold, unrepentant bitch. The "mod" approach of the film severely dates it, and everyone seems horribly miscast. Not a single character is remotely sympathetic. Aside from the theme song, the one thing that stands out is a wonderful shot of a dog standing stock still (for a while) as a funeral procession goes by. Things pick up a bit for the very ending, but by then it's too late. This is not only stupid and unfunny, but tedious. Incredibly, Redgrave [Last of the Mobile Hot Shots], who is not that good, was nominated for a best actress Oscar (Mason was nominated for supporting actor even though this is one of his least memorable roles) and won the Golden Globes.

Verdict: Play the tune and skip the movie. *1/2.

ZARDOZ

Connery, Alderton, and Kestelman

ZARDOZ (1974). Written, produced, and directed by John Boorman.

In the year 2293 Earth has undergone a great many changes. In the "outlands" there are masses of comparatively uncivilized "brutals" who are hunted down and killed by "exterminators," who are given weapons by a great floating stone head that calls itself Zardoz. One of these exterminators, Zed (Sean Connery) climbs into the head and winds up in a supposedly more peaceful enclave called a "vortex," where the people are immortal and sexless and many long to die; there is a mixture of new technology with primitive culture. Scientist May (Sara Kestelman) determines that Zed is a superior, mutated specimen of humanity, while Consuella (Charlotte Rampling of Deception), who may or may not be her lover, thinks he should be destroyed. Half of the community wants to be impregnated by Zed while the other half wants to kill him. Whatever allegory may have been intended, Zardoz (the title comes from "The Wizard of Oz" because Zardoz is just a human male and not any kind of god) is monumentally stupid, and doesn't sustain interest. Connery's performance is more than okay, but you wonder why he took this silly assignment unless he felt a need to boast -- or boost -- his virility. Niall Buggy is Zardoz and John Alderton plays a condescending "Friend" of Zed's. Boorman also directed Exorcist II: The Heretic, which was at least a little more entertaining.

Verdict: Pretentious and rather dull twaddle. *1/2.

ASYLUM

Barbara Parkins being prepared for chop chop routine

ASYLUM (1972). Director: Roy Ward Baker.

When Dr. Martin (Robert Powell) applies for a job at an institution for the mentally disturbed, he is told by Dr. Rutherford (Patrick Magee of Dementia 13) that the head of the institution, Dr. Star, has recently become a patient. He challenges Martin to figure out which of the people upstairs could be the good doctor, and each in turn relates his tale of horror. In "Frozen Fear" a man (Richard Todd of Stage Fright) chops up his wife, but the wrapped pieces come to life and attack both him and his mistress (Barbara Parkins of The Mephisto Waltz). In "The Weird Tailor" a poor tradesman (Barry Morse) is offered money to make a suit from strange material for a man (Peter Cushing) mourning his son. "Lucy Comes to Stay" is a rather obvious split personality story with Charlotte Rampling [The Verdict] and Britt Ekland as two sides of the same woman. In "Mannikins of Fear" Dr. Byron (Herbert Lom) creates little mechanical men that he can control with his mind and that have brains and internal organs inside them. Scripted by Robert Bloch, Asylum is an entertaining picture, although Baker directs without any style or panache. Most of the acting is fine, with a superb Morse and Cushing taking top honors in the second story. Rampling, who is usually the Ice Princess Supreme, is actually warm and winning playing a psychopath  -- go figure! From Amicus films, not Hammer.

Verdict: Fun horror flick. ***.

THE VERDICT

THE VERDICT (1982). Director: Sidney Lumet.

Lawyer Frank Galvin (Paul Newman) takes a medical malpractice case -- the wrong anesthetic was administered -- even though he was offered a settlement and the hospital is owned by the Catholic church. Initially he wants a chance to salvage his wrecked career, but eventually he comes to the conclusion that his comatose client deserves to be fought for. James Mason is great as opposing counsel, and Jack Warden scores as Galvin's associate, Mickey Morrissey. Charlotte Rampling is, as usual, the ice princess to end all ice princesses, and walks through the movie -- again as usual -- with one expression. Newman gives a solid performance. But somehow this never quite becomes the explosive classic you might have hoped for.

Verdict: Okay, but nothing really special. **1/2.

D.O.A. (1988)

D.O.A. (1988). Directed by Rocky Morton and Annabel Jankel.

English professor Dexter Cornell (Dennis Quaid) is in the middle of a divorce, as well as a severe career slump as a writer, when one of his students apparently commits suicide. Later on Cornell discovers that somehow he ingested poison and has only a couple of days to live. He and a student (Meg Ryan) set out to investigate, and uncover some sleazy goings-on involving the dead student, which may or may not relate to his desperate situation. This remake of D.O.A.(1950) starring Edmund O'Brien is not in the same league. It holds the attention, there are some acceptable action sequences, and the new storyline has its clever aspects, but the movie isn't as fast, moving, or memorable by half. Beginning with the scene when Quaid literally joins himself to a reluctant Ryan by gluing their hands together, the picture takes on a cutesy tone that is completely inappropriate for the situations. Ryan is too perky by far, Quaid gives a perfectly okay second-rate performance, and Daniel Stern walks off with the acting honors as his associate and buddy. Charlotte Rampling offers another one of her patented "cold fish" performances as the patron of the dead student – she wears one expression throughout this movie (and probably all the others she was in).

Verdict: Stick with the original. **1/2.