DON'T JUST STAND THERE

Mary Tyler Moore and Robert Wagner just read the script

DON'T JUST STAND THERE (1968). Director: Ron Winston. 

Martine Randall (Mary Tyler Moore of Just Between Friends) works for romance novelist Sabine Manning (Glynis Johns of The Cabinet of Caligari), who has run off to who-knows-where. Kendall Flannigan (Barbara Rhoades) is hired to finish Manning's latest opus, but after she is accused of killing her boyfriend she is kidnapped by his gangster friends. Martine hires Lawrence Colby (Robert Wagner of Say One for Me) to finish the book, and he winds up affecting a rescue of Kendall. And it gets more confusing and stupider after that. 

Wagner and Moore went in disguise after pic's release

I'm afraid that Don't Just Stand There is one of those alleged comedies that is simply busy and frenetic instead of funny. I believe I laughed exactly once during the entire hour and forty minutes. Moore and Johns must have been appalled at the results if and when they saw this incredibly bad movie disaster. Both, especially Moore, are capable of being funny, but the script defeats them. Even Harvey Korman in a supporting role doesn't garner a single laugh. This is the first film for Barbara Rhoades and she's lucky it wasn't her last. Glynis Johns at least isn't on screen for that long. Charles Williams, who wrote the book (The Wrong Venus) this was based on also wrote the screenplay, so he has to get much of the blame. Possibly this was never meant to be a comedy? 

Verdict: Atrocious film is an effort to sit through despite some good players. *. 

SAY ONE FOR ME

Debbie Reynolds and Robert Wagner

SAY ONE FOR ME (1959). Produced and directed by Frank Tashlin. 

Father Conroy (Bing Crosby) has a parish in the middle of the theater district and holds services at two in the morning. When one parishioner, Harry (Les Tremayne), falls ill and can't work, his daughter, Holly (Debbie Reynolds), takes up the slack. Harry and Father Conroy think she's working as a secretary, but Holly is actually appearing in a nightclub with her smooth and handsome partner and boss, Tony Vincent (Robert Wagner). Now the trick is to keep that wolf Tony at bay while both of them jockey for stardom. When Father Conroy gets a chance to put together a TV special, Tony thinks he's In Like Flynn -- but is he?

Ray Walston with Der Bingle

Say One for Me is artificial from the first frame to the last, and comes off more like something out of the 1930s than the 1950s. Bing doesn't strain too much to put over his familiar portrayal of Father Conroy, and Reynolds and Wagner are perfectly professional. Wagner sings and dances in this, but he's no threat to Fred Astaire. The supporting cast is perhaps of more interest: In addition to Tremayne, we've got Connie Gilchrist as the priest's cook and housekeeper; Joe Besser -- "Stinky" on The Abbott and Costello Show -- as Tony's manager; and especially Ray Walston in a terrific turn as an alcoholic associate of Tony's. Father Conroy cures the man of his addiction overnight! 

Judy Harriet as June January

There are a few songs by Cahn and Van Heusen, most of which are forgettable, with the exception of Bing's "I Couldn't Care Less" and "Christmas All Year Through." Judy Harriet plays a girl who is rejected for the nightclub by Tony and tells him in a year she'll be a star, which happens at the end of the movie as she warbles her hit record, "The Night Rock n Roll Died" -- also forgettable. The best music in the movie is actually the theme music by Lionel Newman. If the movie weren't treacly enough, it also throws in a baby and an unwed mother. Sebastian Cabot shows  up briefly as a fat Monsignor, and Herb Alpert is the sexy trumpet player in the background of one of the numbers.

Verdict: You can stand this for about an hour but unfortunately it's two hours long! **.   

LITTLE SISTER: MY INVESTIGATION INTO THE MYSTERIOUS DEATH OF NATALIE WOOD

LITTLE SISTER: My Investigation into the Mysterious Death of NATALIE WOOD. Lana Wood (with Lindsay Harrison). HarperCollins; 2021. 

I admit I didn't expect much from this book, but it is so skillfully put together by co-author Lindsay Harrison, so well-paced and constructed, that it actually makes for a very compelling read. Of course the animosity between Natalie Wood's younger sister and her widower, Robert Wagner, is no secret, so one has to take some of this with a grain of salt.  Lana Wood also doesn't seem to realize how people's behavior can be affected by copious amounts of alcohol. Still there's never been any proof that Natalie, say, surprised her husband and shipmate Christopher Walken having sex and took off in a dinghy in distress -- one of the theories -- and indeed the evidence seems to clearly point in another direction. If we are to believe reports and comments made by the two detectives (as filtered through Lana) who were assigned to Natalie Wood's death after the case was finally reopened, the original investigation was severely botched, either by incompetence or a star-struck attitude toward Robert Wagner, still a TV fixture at the time; and pathologist-to-the-stars Thomas Noguchi made serious errors as well. Clearly something bad happened on that ship and Wagner knows a lot more than he's telling. His account of that evening [Pieces of My Heart] simply doesn't match the facts, but so many years have gone by that he can only be considered a "person of interest" and not a "suspect." Well, judge for yourself. 

Lana and Natalie Wood

Little Sister is interesting for other reasons, as it looks at a highly dysfunctional Hollywood family with a rather odious stage mother, one sister who hit the heights of stardom, while the other struggled, dealing with financial issues and her own daughter's addiction and tragic death. There are juicy if disheartening stories, such as how (according to Lana Wood) Kirk Douglas essentially raped Natalie when she was only fifteen. Lana repeats the story of Natalie divorcing Wagner (she later remarried him) because she found him in a "compromising position" with his butler! (One suspects that Lana was the source for this in other bios of Natalie and this may be why Wagner pretty much hates her.) Lana also claims that a powerful agent told her that Wagner had had her blackballed throughout Hollywood -- surely he didn't have such clout!? While nowhere near as successful as her older sister, Lana Wood amassed quite a few credits, including making an impression as Plenty O'Toole in Diamonds are Forever and appearing in other movies such as The Girls on the Beach. 

Verdict: Worthwhile, well-written, and absorbing memoir. ***.

PRINCE VALIANT

Robert Wagner

PRINCE VALIANT (1954). Director: Henry Hathaway.

Hal Foster's newspaper comic strip Prince Valiant  -- which debuted in the late 1930's and is still published today -- was given lavish treatment by 20th Century-Fox with Technicolor and CinemaScope. Valiant (Robert Wagner of Titanic) is the Viking son of the exiled King Aguar (Donald Crisp). Hoping to restore his father to his throne, Val travels to the court of King Arthur, where he hopes to become a knight. Arthur (Brian Aherne) tells him that he must be a squire first, and he is   assigned to Sir Gawain (Sterling Hayden of The Star). Valiant falls in love at first sight with the beautiful Princess Aleta (Janet Leigh of Psycho), but, alas, Gawain falls instantly in love with her himself even as her sister, Ilene  (Debra Paget) pines for him. An added complication is a sinister and mysterious Black Knight, who has men who are loyal to him and wishes Arthur's throne for himself. Prince Valiant is a beautifully-produced movie which boasts one of Franz Waxman's richest and most  elaborate scores, as well as exquisite cinematography from Lucien Ballard. The performances are fine, and James Mason -- although this is arguably not one of his more memorable roles -- adds a nice touch as Sir Brack, who may have a few secrets (none of which will be surprising to the audience). In its early years the Prince Valiant strip had fantastic elements such as sorcery and monstrous giant beasts, but by the fifties the strip was more realistic and the film adaptation follows suit. There is, however, a well-choreographed and fiery battle scene, and a splendid and protracted sword fight between Val and Sir Brack. Ultimately, how much you enjoy the movie depends on how much you like the time period and the comic strip. Prince Valiant was never my cup of java, but the movie is still impressive in many ways.

Verdict:  Beautiful production values and not a bad story. ***.

PIECES OF MY HEART: ROBERT WAGNER

PIECES OF MY HEART: A LIFE. Robert J. Wagner with Scott Eyman. 2008; HarperCollins.

Robert Wagner appeared in a number of high-profile movies, such as A Kiss Before Dying, before becoming even more successful as a TV star in middle-age, with such programs as It Takes a Thief, Switch, and Hart to Hart. Wagner -- via Scott Eyman -- writes about his early life and his lousy relationship with his father, his desire to be nothing but a movie star from his youngest days, his marriages to Natalie Wood and Jill St. John, and the tragic night that Natalie drowned. There are some surprises in the book, such as (a very few) details about his four-year affair with the older Barbara Stanwyck, which may have been highly exaggerated. Wagner has a sense of humor, but comes off as a rather superficial third-tier celebrity bashing a few enemies -- such as Natalie's less successful sister, Lana, whom he skewers, and co-star Stefanie Powers, whom he felt betrayed him  -- and justifying some of his bad actions as well. Wagner outs numerous people as gay or bisexual, but remains mum on the rumors surrounding his own sexuality. Although Wagner has pleasant things to say about some gay men he knew, he's not above the occasional stereotypical whack; he comes off as an old-fashioned guy trying to affect a liberal posture. If the book has any value, it is as an insider's look at old Hollywood, the dying (and now dead) studio system, and some of the characters who inhabited that long-ago world, about which much has already been written. The book is entertaining enough but overlong.

Verdict: Hardly essential reading, but Wagner's fans may eat it up. **1/2. 

MARDI GRAS

Cadets? -- Dick Sargent, Tommy Sands, and Pat Boone

MARDI GRAS (1958). Director: Edmund Goulding.

A bunch of twenty-something cadets raffle off a date with new French-Hollywood movie star Michelle Marton (Christine Carere). Everyone is dismayed when the winning ticket goes to the most studious and disinterested among them, Paul (Pat Boone). In New Orleans Paul actually spends a very pleasant day with Michelle, who has switched places with her studio helpmate Eadie (Sheree North); he has no idea the young lady is the movie star he is supposed to be squiring. This leads to mostly unamusing complications. Mardi Gras is the most undistinguished of musicals; it has one decent song, "I'll Remember Tonight," and the rest are atrocious. Boone [Journey to the Center of the Earth] isn't bad; Carere is, well, pretty and little else; Gary Crosby essentially plays the same character he plays in every movie he did; Tommy Sands over-sings everything; and Dick Sargent is another over-aged cadet. Sheree North and Fred Clark add little to the tedious proceedings, although there are a couple of funny lines, as well as forgettable  cameos by Robert Wagner and Jeffrey Hunter. This movie in no way captures the excitement of Mardi Gras even though there is some grainy stock footage of it. Hard to believe this treacle was directed by Edmund Goulding.

Verdict: Watch Goulding's The Old Maid instead. *1/2.

IT TAKES A THIEF Season One

Robert Wagner steals a kiss

IT TAKES A THIEF Season One. 1968.

The telefilm Magnificent Thief served as the pilot for this nominal spy series, which had a clever premise. Alexander Mundy (Robert Wagner), a gifted burglar, is told that he can stay out of jail if he goes to work for the government, herein personified by his liaison Noah Bain (Malachi Throne). As Bain tells him, "I don't want you to spy -- I want you to steal." So in the first brief season of sixteen episodes -- It Takes a Thief was a mid-season replacement -- Mundy has to snatch, under frequently impossible circumstances, everything from children accidentally left behind the iron curtain when their parents defect to a rare, extremely valuable DaVinci. None of the episodes are outstanding, but a few were better than average. "It Takes One to Know One" introduces a rival thief-impersonator played by Susan St. James (who'd show up again) and has a highly suspenseful climax when the two each try to snatch some royal jewels in a casino packed with booby traps. "One Illegal Angel" features an exiled dictator and a forged DaVinci and the necessity of getting the real painting away from said dictator. "Totally By Design" features a notable Mari Blanchard [Twice-Told Tales] as a vain princess who has fashion designer Mundy create a new trousseau for her even as he schemes to rob the palace safe. Celeste Yarnell and Marti Stevens guest-star in "Locked in the Cradle of the Keep," in which Al has to figure out just what he's supposed to steal before he can actually steal it. The show needed some better directors and better scripts, but it was basically mindless fun. Katharine Crawford [Kraft Suspense Theatre] appeared twice as another government agent. Wagner gets across his slightly amoral character without straining himself, and Throne is just fine as Noah Bain. In any case, the series is much better than the telefilm that spawned it.

Verdict: Acceptable time-waster. **1/2.

MAGNIFICENT THIEF

Malachi Throne & Robert Wagner

MAGNIFICENT THIEF 1968 telefilm.

Alexander Mundy (Robert Wagner), one of the world's best thieves, is given a pardon if he agrees to work for government agency SIA under the supervision of one Noah Bain (Malachi Throne). As Bain puts it, "we're not asking you to spy; we're asking you to steal." Naturally Mundy is put up in a mansion with three beautiful women, including Senta Burger, as his assistants. After that he is sent out on a mission and seems to go rogue to complete it. In any case, the soundtrack is loud [although the theme music is nice] and there are very few thrills. Wagner saunters through the movie without raising a sweat. John Saxon and Michael Forest give the best performances as two of the bad guys. The telefilm is packed with special guest stars including Raymond Burr, Leslie Neilsen, Susan St. James, and Doug McClure and James Drury as airline ticket agents. This was the pilot for the series It Takes a Thief.

Verdict: Slick in all the wrong ways. *.

TITANIC (1953)

TITANIC (1953). Director: Jean Negulesco.

NOTE: This review reveals various plot turns in the film.

The original Titanic of 1953 has always been considered inferior to the British A Night to Remember, but a fresh look at videos of both features -- plus the new 1997 Hollywood version -- proves it actually to be the best and most emotionally wrenching of all three versions. The main characters are played -- and played superbly -- by Barbara Stanwyck and Clifton Webb (in what has to be one of his finest performances). They are a married couple on the verge of divorcing, who rediscover their love for each other, unfortunately, when it's far too late. Stanwyck has revealed that Webb is not the biological father of his son, and he shuns the boy, until the moving conclusion reunites them on the deck of the ship. "I have been proud of you since the moment you were born," Webb tells the young man and holds him close just before the ship goes down. Devastated, Stanwyck watches the sinking from one of the lifeboats. The victims are allowed their dignity; it's left to the imagination what their final moments are like. Stanwyck's daughter (a lovely Audrey Dalton) is also in the lifeboat, but the boyfriend she's met on the ship (Robert Wagner) doesn't make it. (This secondary love story between an upper crust girl and more rough-hewn boy became the main story line of the 1997 remake.) Because we have come to know and like these people, their deaths -- and the crushing loss their survivors feel -- make the film's conclusion almost unbearably moving. The screenplay won a well-deserved Oscar, and Jean Negulesco's direction is assured and solid.

Verdict: Strong and poignant. ***1/2.

A KISS BEFORE DYING

A KISS BEFORE DYING (1956). Director: Gerd Oswald. NOTE: Some plot details are discussed in this review.

Okay adaptation of Ira Levin's suspense novel features Robert Wagner as a charming sociopathic killer who shoves his pregnant girlfriend (Joanne Woodward) off of a roof and then zeros in on her equally wealthy sister (Virginia Leith). Mary Astor is pretty much wasted as Wagner's mother; Jeffrey Hunter offers an odd performance as a pipe-smoking junior detective; and George Macready is positively weird – like Igor in one of the Frankenstein movies – as Leith and Woodward's cold-hearted father. The CinemaScope photography is very good, although Oswald often employs very, very long takes [often the fashion in wide-screen movies of the period] which aren't very cinematic. However, the movie is entertaining and suspenseful, and Wagner's performance is smooth if not outstanding. [The bad remake starring Matt Dillon makes little sense, as Dillon already seems like a hoodlum before he commits a single murder.] It's hard to tell which murder is more disturbing: Woodward's high-story plunge, or the shooting death of the disk jockey that Wagner frames for the murder even as the frightened young man (Robert Quarry) pleads for his life. Woodward is as good as ever and Leith is more than adequate.

Verdict: Intriguing, if imperfect, thriller. ***.