EASTER SABBATICAL

Behemoth, the giant bunny rabbit

HAPPY BELATED EASTER from Great Old Movies. 

We're taking a week off to catch up, but please enjoy the old April Fool's movies that I re-posted on Sunday. What's that? -- you say you thought these movies were real, and have already ordered your copy of She-Serpents vs the Forces of the Dragon Witch from Amazon. Wait a minute -- does this serial actually exist? Excuse me while I go check this out!

See you next week!

PUKEY REPEATS

PUKEY REPEATS (1946). Director: Federico Fellini.

Although the studio deemed the June Allyson comedy Pukey to be unreleasable, famed Italian director Federico Fellini caught a special screening of it during a trip to Hollywood and was -- bizarrely enough -- totally enchanted. He contacted Allyson and arranged to make another Pukey film which can be considered a sequel or a remake or both. In this the cookie-tossing singer Pukey (Allyson) decides to take up opera, with completely unamusing results. Although she can't even sing normally, she somehow manages to acquire a contract with La scala in Milan, where much of this was filmed. Keefe Braselle, who appeared in the first film, absolutely refused to be associated with the second, so he was replaced by Broderick Crawford, who makes a highly unlikely love interest for Allyson. You have to hear Allyson attempting to croak out "Nessum Dorma" from Puccini's Turandot to believe it! Fellini filled the film with his usual interesting and exotic faces, but the script -- based, believe it or not, on a play by Italian artist and WW 1 hero Gabrielle D'Annunzio -- is just abysmal.

Verdict: Dreadful! *.

LIBERACE VS. LEATHERFACE

LIBERACE VS. LEATHERFACE (1981). Director: Toby Hooperman.

Fans of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre are probably unaware that this incredible film, never released, was actually the first sequel to the famous horror film. Liberace did the film as a lark, and good-naturedly spoofs his flamboyant, very stereotypically gay image. In the movie Leatherface and his family are driving to Atlantic City to meet relatives -- killing and eating people along the way -- when their car breaks down. They wind up at an old mansion wherein they find Liberace, greeting them at the door in all his finery and holding the all-important candelabra. Leatherface and his pals have no idea what to make of the star, while Liberace seems completely unfazed by the weird assortment of cannibals he finds on his door. He even attempts a makeover on Leatherface, and calls in Phyllis Diller to do everyone's hair. It all ends in a riotous free-for-all between police and the freaks, with Liberace wondering why the cops should be so brutal to "such nice friendly people."

Verdict: Well, it's certainly different. **1/2.

SHE-SERPENTS VS THE FORCES OF THE DRAGON WITCH

SHE-SERPENTS VS THE FORCES OF THE DRAGON WITCH 12 chapter Mascot serial. (1938). Director: Bebe Ford.

It is not widely known that during her early career Bette Davis actually starred in a serial for Mascot studios. She plays Mona Flare, the leader of an all-girl gang of crime-fighters who are out to stop the violent antics of a mysterious woman known only as the Dragon Witch. Mona and her "she-serpents" wear slinky outfits that make them resemble slithering snakes. The nominal hero of the film is Bob Steele, who plays a detective, Guinan, who wishes the ladies would lay off and let him handle the Dragon Witch and her sinister forces. Of course Guinan has to be rescued by the women in virtually every chapter. Davis seems to be having a lot of fun, and there are clever stunts and some exciting sequences. The final chapter has a major fight between Mona and the Dragon Witch in which even the walls come tumbling down. Miriam Hopkins also appears as an aggressive reporter who may or may not know more about the Dragon Queen than she's saying.

Verdict: Bette rules the roost! **1/2.

HATCHET (1966)

HATCHET (1966). Director: William Castle.

This was Castle and Joan Crawford's unreleased follow-up to Strait-Jacket. That film made so much money that Castle immediately made plans for Crawford to do a sequel, but Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte and Crawford's alleged illness got in the way. By the time Crawford got around to doing the film, there was a brand new script and she was a new character named -- ironically -- Mrs. Vorhees (although spelled with one "o.") Jackie Vorhees owns cabins for rent in Maine. Who should show up one day but the man who jilted her years ago and the woman he married. The two are killed in a gruesome sequence, but their bodies disappear. Eventually there are more murders-by-hatchet and Jackie is the prime -- although certainly not the only -- suspect. Gloria Blondell isn't bad as the manager of the cabins, who has some odd secrets of her own. Cameron Mitchell is a horny handyman, and Christine Jorgenson has a great guest appearance as a traveling saleslady. Gregor Tanese is fine as an overly ambitious reporter. The film was never completed, however, because Joan walked off the set, although the ending was shot and a DVD is expected to surface in early 2019.

Verdict: Compelling hatchet job with a zesty Joan. ***.

CATCH THAT BLONDE!

CATCH THAT BLONDE! (1961). Director: Arthur Lubin.

One of the rarest, least-seen movies ever made, Catch That Blonde! presents the teaming of Marilyn Monroe with the Three Stooges. Initially Monroe was only supposed to do a walk-on, but she had such fun with the stooges that her part was quickly expanded and she agreed to do three more day's work. The Stooges play private eyes who are hired by a jealous husband to find his wandering wife. Originally Marie Windsor had been hired to play the part in a blond wig but when La Monroe decided to stick around Windsor was quickly paid off and dismissed, although she returned to the set a week or so later to play a supporting role and film a zesty cat fight with Monroe. Catch That Blonde! was quickly pulled out of release after Monroe's untimely death, and has never been re-released or put on DVD or VHS. There have been private screenings of the film and grainy bootlegs have circulated for decades. It's too bad more people haven't seen it as both Monroe and the Stooges are in top, funny form and the picture is mostly a scream.

Verdict: Strange bedfellows and all that. ***.

LOVE MAKES YOU CRAZY

LOVE MAKES YOU CRAZY (1952). Director: Hector Linyard.

In this unreleased comedy Bob Cummings plays a nuclear physicist who can turn animals into people -- and vice versa -- with one touch of his hand after being irradiated during an accident. Julie Newmar -- who later co-stared with Cummings on the TV show My Living Doll -- is a she-tiger who is transformed into a beautiful woman. Paul Lynde is a transformed lynx, Oscar Levant is an alligator, and Gypsy Rose Lee becomes a lady octopus. Later Cummings can transform vegetables into people (and vice versa) as well and turns guest star John Wayne into a turnip. Zazu Pitts plays an artichoke whom Cummings transforms into a human. While the premise is certainly intriguing, Love Makes You Crazy hasn't got a single laugh.

Verdict: Don't touch that turnip! *1/2.

HIDDEN WORLD

HIDDEN WORLD (1958). Director: Bert I. Gordon.

This lost, unreleased film is sort of an unofficial sequel to "Mr. B.I.G." s [Bert I. Gordon] 1957 monsterpiece The Cyclops. Marie Windsor, Henny Youngman (surprisingly good in a dramatic part), Richard Crane, Lynn Bari, and Noah Beery Jr. play members of an expedition who take a copter into the unmapped Mexican jungle to search for a lost treasure. At one point references are made to a "lost flier named Bruce who grew into a giant in this valley," stories which are discounted by most of the characters. Once the copter lands, Hidden World turns into a mini-Journey to the Center of the Earth as the expedition enters a tunnel that leads deep down into an enormous cavern filled with out-sized man-eating frogs and forty-foot giant men [who try to roast Henny on a spit at one point.] Henny tries to joke his way out of his predicament by saying to one of the giants "Take my wife -- please!" Whiny Katherine Squire plays a normal-sized tribeswoman who is constantly screeching at the giants to "destroy the invaders." The best scene has Squire picked up by a disgruntled big guy who bites her head off. The sequence with the expedition members surrounded by hungry, roaring toads with long, snapping tongues is also amazing. The film was unfinished but an upcoming DVD release uses stills to fill in for the missing footage.

Verdict: If you loved The Cyclops ... ***.

PHYLLIS VS GODZILLA

PHYLLIS VS GODZILLA (1967). Director: Ishiro Honda-Edsel.

Comedienne Phyllis Diller made a deal with Toho studios to star in several comedic monster movies featuring Godzilla and other Japanese monsters but Phylis Vs. Godzilla is the only one that ever materialized. The Japanese title is Opoopi nagada Phyllis borama Gojira. Diller plays herself, on a tour of Japan where she is bombing out every night due to the language barrier. She hires an interpreter (Jack Soo) to join her on stage but discovers that her very American humor doesn't translate very effectively. Soo and she are barraged with bananas! Godzilla then attacks Tokyo but actually comes to Diller's assistance, because the big flame-breathing lizard finds her jokes and appearance so hilarious that he stops burning up and stomping on the city and becomes mesmerized by the tiny performer. The army comes in and captures Godzilla, who escapes and carries off Diller, who has fallen in love with the monster and vice versa.

Verdict: You've never seen anything like it! *.

PUKEY

PUKEY (1946). Director: Rouben Mamoulian.

It's no wonder that this June Allyson (pictured) "comedy" was never released! Allyson plays an aspiring singer whose nickname is -- believe it or not -- Pukey. Therefore it shouldn't come as a surprise that every time she has to audition for someone, she gets so nervous that she has to run off and -- well, you know. Yes, Allyson spends most of the movie tossing her cookies [mostly off-screen, mercifully]. Keefe Braselle plays the love interest, an assistant producer who unaccountably thinks that Allyson has talent. The movie doesn't have a single laugh, and when the overly perky Allyson finally gets to sing, you'll wish you were anywhere else. A total dog. The movie, that is! Avoid this DVD at all costs!

Verdict: Could engender mass projectile vomiting amongst audiences! 1/2*.

THE THREE STOOGES MEET GODZILLA

THE THREE STOOGES MEET GODZILLA (AKA Ye mokioki cono Didoshi/1967). Director: Myoski Shishuki.

Yes, in this movie the Three Stooges do indeed meet the famous movie monster Godzilla -- all 200 feet of him -- but these stooges are not the American brand but a Japanese variation. Toko Danaka, Myopi Sofoolyi, and Ernst Yakahama play the stooges and it must be said that their "humor" -- even with dubbed voices -- doesn't translate too well.The film has these three bumbling nitwits, made up to resemble our stooges, inheriting a shipping line that includes both freighters and luxury cruise ships. When there are reports of their boats being menaced by Godzilla, they set sail to find the monster, along with a curvaceous lady scientist. After much silliness in the staterooms consisting of all three "stooges" trying to romance the scientist, they arrive at an island where Godzilla somehow manages to sneak up on them. The film ends with a friendly Godzilla lifting up the stooges and carrying them off in his paw. Maybe a snack? In any case, this is simply awful.

Verdict: Neither for stooges or Godzilla fans. 1/2 *.

SAMSON VERSUS THE TURKEY MONSTERS

SAMSON VERSUS THE TURKEY MONSTERS (1962). Director: Federico Fellini.

Although Fellini has denied for decades that he ever directed a sand and sorcery epic, this picture has finally surfaced and has many of Fellini's directorial touches. The movie was filmed in the early fifties as The Loves of Samson and was meant to be a fairly serious epic with psycho-sexual pretensions. The studio deemed it unreleasable -- not only because it ran over four hours -- and it was put in the vault. In 1962, the film was cut down to eighty minutes, and what was meant to be a brief humorous scene involving Samson's capture of a wild, giant turkey was expanded into a whole movie about Samson saving a village from an attack of carnivorous turkeys thirty feet tall. New, very bad footage was shot and inserted into the film. Although it's called Samson versus the Turkey Monsters plural, there is actually only one giant turkey terrorizing the villagers. Some atmospheric shots and fascinating faces are all that's left of Fellini's original vision. A no-name cast except for Alida Valli as a horny sorceress.

Verdict: A giant turkey indeed. *.

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET MAE WEST, THE VAMP

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET MAE WEST,THE VAMP(1946). Director: Charles Lamont.

Not seen for decades due to litigation, this turns out to be a very funny teaming of the boys and one risque gal named Mae. Just as A & C had done a film with "Boris Karloff, The Killer" in the title, they also did a similarly titled film with West. In this she plays a black widow who marries off and presumably murders one husband after another for their money. Her latest target is Lou Costello -- who's inherited a bundle, or so he thinks -- but his buddy Bud will have none of it -- until he falls under Mae's spell, too. The most hilarious scene has Mae trying to teach Lou the best way to make love to a woman. He then practices on Bud!

Verdict: You have to see Lou impersonating Mae to believe it! ***.

SISTERS-IN-LAW

SISTERS-IN-LAW (1968). Director: Armand DiAntoni.

Filmed in Italy, this surprisingly effective and poignant shocker teams Bette Davis and Faith (It Came from Beneath the Sea) Domergue [pictured] as two women trying to come to terms with each other as they live together in a crumbling mansion a la Baby Jane. But the plot line is very different. Davis was married to Domergue's brother, whose death has always been shrouded in mystery. Many believe that he was murdered by Davis, but her sister-in-law has always maintained that her brother committed suicide. She has other issues with Davis, however, especially her jealousy of Davis' relationship with a handsome, aging gigolo played by Gregor Tanese. Davis is more restrained than usual, turning the histrionics over to Domergue, who is not only credible but fascinating. There are two grisly murders, and a very surprising denouement. To say any more would be criminal.

Verdict: Grand Guignol galore. ***.