DR. GOLDFOOT AND THE GIRL BOMBS

Who cares? Just give me the check!

DR. GOLDFOOT AND THE GIRL BOMBS (aka Le spie vengono dal semifreddo/1966). Director: Mario Bava.

Probably due to the ad campaign, the spy craze of the period, and the presence of Vincent Price, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikimi Machine was a hit for AIP. A year later the inevitable sequel materialized, with Price reprising his role of the diabolical doctor who has escaped death and is now blowing up horny generals by using beautiful robot girls full of explosives. Instead of Frankie Avalon, we have another teen idol, Fabian, playing spy, and there are two Italian alleged comedians who also play bumbling agents. Goldfoot's ultimate scheme is to drop a super-hydrogen bomb on Moscow, bringing about WW3. Goldfoot also has a pool full of piranha who never figure in the plot, as well as another general who happens to be Goldfoot's twin -- nothing much happens with that, either. Despite the fact that Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs has one more laugh-out-loud moment than Bikini Machine -- bringing the total up to half a dozen (that's one laugh every fifteen minutes) -- it's an even worse movie than its predecessor. Price, with both eyes on his paycheck and certainly not on the script, gives a gleefully hammy performance and probably never sat through this crapola himself -- if only his fans had been spared! As an actor, Fabian [A Bullet for Pretty Boy] actually amassed 48 credits. Possibly Mario Bava's worst movie.

Verdict: Just awful. 1/2*.

THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY

Sean Connery looking diabolical

THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY (aka The First Great Train Robbery/1978). Director: Michael Crichton.

In days gone by a man named Pierce (Sean Connery) puts together a crew that plans to steal gold off of a moving train. First he has to manage to make copies of four golden keys that will provide access to the booty, no mean feat. There are many assorted complications embroiling the likes of associates Agar (Donald Sutherland of The Day of the Locust) and Miriam (Lesley-Anne Down of The Pink Panther Strikes Again), as well as others. But even if Pierce succeeds in robbing the train, will he get away with it completely or did he overlook one particular detail? Novelist Michael Crichton ["Micro"] adapted and directed his own novel and doesn't do a bad job with it. The picture is intriguing and has several very suspenseful sequences, especially when Pierce has to climb over the tops of the railway cars ducking low bridges [one amazing shot has Connery nearly getting it in the head]. There's also an excellent sequence when one of the conspirators engineers an escape from Newgate prison while a hanging is occurring in the courtyard. As usual with Crichton, there are no real characters in this, just types, but the acting is more than adequate.

Verdict: Entertaining Victorian caper flick. ***.

SLITHER (1973)

SLITHER (1973). Director: Howard Zieff.

Dick Kanipsia (James Caan) is fresh out of prison and goes home with his jail buddy, Harry Moss (Richard B. Shull), who is promptly murdered. This leads Dick to go on a hunt for the man who knows where Moss left some considerable cash, leading him to Barry (Peter Boyle) and his wife, Mary, (Louise Lasser), who team up with him to find the man with the money. Added to the mix is Kitty (Sally Kellerman), a crazy lady who holds up a diner not long after she first meets Dick. But who is in that sinister black van that keeps following the quartet ... ? I have a feeling that Slither was originally meant to be a serious crime drama that was turned instead into a half-serious light-hearted quasi-caper movie without the caper. There's a touch of whimsy (not to mention immorality) to the movie, and it holds your attention, but it never really amounts to much. Caan [Games] is excellent, however, playing in just the right note; Boyle [Outland], Lasser, and Alan Garfield as a lawyer are also good, but Kellerman was still in that weird, off-putting mode she was in early in her career. There are a couple of laughs and some suspense of a minor kind. An ugly moment occurs when Kitty refers to a black character as "some dumb spade," an unnecessary slur even given the craziness of her character. Surely Kellerman, one of the stars of the movie, had enough clout at the time to insist on a change?

Verdict: Rather pointless when all is said and done. **1/2.

CRY U.N.C.L.E.

Robert Vaughn and David McCallum

CRY U.N.C.L.E.

As of this writing, tomorrow unveils the new big-screen adaptation of the sixties spy show, The Man from U.N.C.L.E. Frankly, the previews I've seen of the new movie don't seem that promising, but I'll reserve judgment until I see it. In the meantime, this week we've got a round-up of UNCLE-related posts, including a look at seasons three and four (the final season) of Man from UNCLE (click for reviews of seasons one and two, already posted); a round-up of UNCLE paperback novels; a look at the reunion movie made in the early eighties; and two or three more "eurospy" flicks. (No spy movies next week, I promise. Well, maybe just one.)

The Man from UNCLE started out as an exciting spy series that was essentially told straight even if it had its humorous aspects and was never quite totally "serious." The second season the show began turning into a bit of a spoof, with more and more camp, but was still quite entertaining. The third season had some memorably zany episodes, but by this time it had become a full-on spoof as in Get Smart, and the ratings plummeted -- why watch UNCLE when Get Smart was better and funnier? [The less said about the abysmal The Girl from UNCLE, the better.] The fourth excellent season returned to the kind of episodes they had in the first season, but it was too late, and UNCLE was canceled after only about half the episodes were completed.

I freely confess that I loved The Man from UNCLE with its gadgets and colorful villains, and eagerly devoured each new paperback as it came out. I won't go so far as to say that I wanted to sign up with THRUSH, although I sort of found that organization more fascinating than UNCLE. But UNCLE was always one of my all-time favorite programs. [Needless to say, I loved James Bond novels and movies as well.]

It was hoped that the reunion movie The Return of the Man from UNCLE would lead into a new series, but despite high ratings, it was not picked up. We'll soon learn if the big-screen adaptation is a success or not.

THE LONE WOLF SPY HUNT

Ida Lupino and Warren William

THE LONE WOLF SPY HUNT (1939). Director: Peter Godfrey.

Michael Lanyard (Warren William), who is known as the "Lone Wolf," is a retired thief who is embroiled in a plot by an enemy to steal secret plans and frame him. This man, Spiro (Ralph Morgan), wants revenge, but just why is never explained. Spiro and his associates, including the beautiful Karen (Rita Hayworth), force Lanyard to crack a safe, but he manages to put one over on the gang, for a time at least. Meanwhile Inspector Thomas (Don Beddoe of Mandrake the Magician) and Sergeant Devan (Tom Dugan of The Galloping Ghost) are hoping they can finally arrest the infamous Lone Wolf. I believe this character had been around quite awhile before William starred in this film series, in which he is a retired widower with a young daughter, Patricia (Virginia Weilder), and a marriage-minded gal pal named Val (Ida Lupino of Private Hell 36). The movie is well-acted and pleasant enough, but it never rises above the level of a not-terribly-eventful programmer. The child Patricia is a somewhat irritating character and doesn't really fit in with the rest of the movie. There were several sequels and a TV series with Louis Hayward in the fifties.

Verdict: Has possibilities, but not one of the classics of 1939. **.

THOSE AMAZING "EUROSPY" MOVIES

THOSE AMAZING "EUROSPY" MOVIES.

The success of the first James Bond movie, Dr. No, not only led to many, many more 007 films, but literally dozens of movies and TV shows that were influenced by the Bond movies. The chief TV show that came in Bond's wake was The Man from U.N.C.L.E., and this in turn influenced the lighter tone of certain Bond movies, as well as some of the Eurospy movies that came afterward. There were British and American imitations of Bond as well, not to mention productions from Italy, Germany, and elsewhere, generally dubbed into English and given silly, if appropriate and generic, titles such as Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and Kiss Kiss Kill Kill. All sorts of secret agents wandered through a mostly European landscape, giving rise to a whole genre of "Eurospy" movies. In each of these there was a handsome, skirt-chasing devil, seemingly irresistible to women, trailing after spies and criminal masterminds, many of whom were inspired by such Bond villains as Goldfinger, Blofeld and Emilio Largo (Adolfo Celi), among others. Perhaps the most outrageous Bond imitation was Operation Kid Brother or O.K. Connery, which had the chutzpah to cast Sean Connery's younger brother, Neil Connery, in the lead, and even used his name for the main character. The Italian producers even hired Bernard Lee (M) and Lois Maxwell (Miss Moneypenny) to play parts virtually identical to the ones they played in the legitimate 007 features. [In spite of this, the Bond producers hired them back, probably figuring no one would actually see the dreadful Kid Brother.] You can read about this film and several others below, as this week we review a few Eurospy movies along with a couple of genuine James Bond features. In future weeks we'll be looking at other Eurospy movies starring everyone from Horst Bucholz to Kerwin Mathews to Ray Danton and more.

KISS KISS BANG BANG

 KISS KISS BANG BANG (1966). Director: Duccio Tessari.

Kirk Warren (Giulano Gemma) is about to be executed when he receives a pardon on the condition that he steal a formula the government wants before it can fall into the hands of the mysterious "Mr. X." Warren also wants to be paid a million dollars and when his liaison balks, decides he'll steal the formula for himself. He enlists the help of several aides, including his girlfriend Alina Shakespeare (Nieves Navarro), pulls off the robbery, then is caught in a cat and mouse game of trying to get paid for the formula as he dodges friend and foe alike. There's an acrobat, a parrot named Socrates, a talking pigeon, and an elderly lady who wields a mean cane. Warren is given a gun that emits laughing gas instead of bullets. Of all the James Bond parodies that were made, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang has to be one of the worst. Gemma, with his male model good looks, makes a convincing enough lover boy and anti-hero, there are some good settings, including Venice, and one decent scene when Warren has to parachute out of a plane onto a mountaintop, but mostly the movie is like one of the worst episodes of Batman and about as funny. It's interesting to note Warren uses a car that can go underwater, as in a much later James Bond movie with Roger Moore. The picture's score has musical diversity but is almost uniformly lousy. A dubbed Italian-Spanish co-production.

Verdict: Unfunny and atrocious. *.

MOONRAKER

Hero vs villain: Roger Moore and Michael Lonsdale

MOONRAKER (1979). Director: Lewis Gilbert.

"Mr. Bond, you arrive with the tedious inevitability of an unloved season." -- Hugo Drax

When a Moonraker shuttle built by Drax Industries is hijacked in midair, James Bond (Roger Moore) is assigned to the investigation. He discovers that Hugo Drax (Michael Lonsdale) is behind a scheme to wipe out the earth's population and replace it with perfect specimens over which he, of course, will rule. After a variety of misadventures, Bond -- assisted by CIA agent Holly Goodhead (Lois Chiles) -- winds up on a space station for the final battle. Moonraker was the ultimate live-action cartoon and science fiction version of 007, but it's great fun on that level. There are major action setpieces in the film, such as a prologue in which Bond is forced out of an airplane; a scene when Bond is caught in a whirling thingamajig that registers acceleration pressure; a battle with metal-toothed Jaws (Richard Kiel) high atop a cable car over Rio; a chase on a river with a waterfall, Bond's glider at the ready; and another boat chase on a canal in Venice. [Bond's gondola is outfitted with wheels and an outboard motor!] Moore plays his own version of a lighter-hearted Bond and plays it well. The other two main performers underplay to good effect: Lonsdale is neither hysterical nor flamboyant but radiates a quiet menace; and while Chiles could be considered bland, even wooden at times, she gets across her character's strength, avoids making her a Kewpie doll (despite her dirty joke of a name), and only succumbs to Bond's charms when she is ready. John Barry's majestic music is on the money, including an excellent title tune very well-sung by Shirley Bassey of Goldfinger fame. A very colorful and exciting picture with some fascinating settings.

Verdict: More silly than it needs to be, but highly entertaining. ***.

IN LIKE FLINT

James Coburn, Thomas Hasson, Lee J. Cobb

IN LIKE FLINT (1967). Director: Gordon Douglas.

"By this time tomorrow, women will be ruling the world."

"Brain and hair-washing at the same time!"

"An actor as President?"

In this sequel to Our Man Flint, super-adventurer Derek Flint (James Coburn) is contacted by Lloyd Cramden (Lee J. Cobb) of Z.O.W.I. E. when he realizes that he was blanked out for three minutes during a golf game with President Trent (Andrew Duggan). During that time Trent was replaced by a double, a plot engineered by a group of women who plan to sabotage missiles -- Project Damocles -- to gain their ends. The main representative of this women's group is Lisa Norton (Jean Hale), who runs a cosmetic outfit called Fabulous Face that has its headquarters in the Virgin Islands, adjacent to the missile base. Unfortunately for the ladies, General Carter (Steve Ihnat), is only pretending to be an ally and turns on them, forcing the women to engage in Operation Smooch ... In Like Flint is sillier than the worst episode of The Man from U.N.C.L.E., slow-paced, unfunny for the most part, and with a climax that seems to go on for four hours. Coburn isn't bad in the part, although both Duggan and Cobb make more of an impression. Anna Lee is fine as Elisabeth, one of the older women in the group, but Jean Hale, while very pretty, isn't much of an actress. Searching for two missing lady cosmonauts, Flint winds up in Moscow, where he gets a standing ovation after dancing in a ballet! Yvonne Craig of Batman fame plays a Russian gal who offers Flint a doped cigarette. That same year saw the release of The Thousand Eyes of Sumuru, which was also about a group of women plotters and which was even worse than In Like Flint. The ladies in Flint never seem very menacing, probably due to typical sixties sexism.

Verdict: This could have killed the parody spy genre altogether. **.