THE GIRL MOST LIKELY TO ...

Ugly Duckling: Stockard Channing

THE GIRL MOST LIKELY TO ... (1973 telefilm). Director: Lee Philips. Co-written by Joan Rivers.

Miriam Knight (Stockard Channing) is a bright, energetic young woman with a great sense of humor who has, unfortunately, committed the crime of being unattractive. She is cruelly taunted by men and women alike, but when a twist of fate offers her an opportunity to become good-looking, she uses her new appearance to take revenge on her tormentors. The Girl Most Likely To ... is a black comedy that greatly benefits from the performance of an excellent Channing [The Truth About Jane], who continued to show off her acting chops in role after role on screen and on stage later on. As the movie is played for laughs and is often quite funny, one can ignore the fact that Miriam becomes slightly sociopathic and doesn't seem to care about any innocents who may become embroiled in her schemes, but it's fun, frankly, to see her abusers get their just desserts and then some. Ed Asner [Gunn] is also terrific as a cop investigating the murders, and Susanne Zenor makes an impression as Miriam's roommate, who has a horrendous voice to go along with her bosomy blondness. Warren Berlinger, Fred Grandy, Ruth McDevitt, Larry Wilcox, and Joe Flynn, among others, also have nice turns in the pic. The film scores points for making trenchant observations about the dark side of human nature in a humorous fashion that never quite disguises the understandable bitterness underneath,. Director Lee Philips was also an actor [Peyton Place]; most of his acting and directorial assignments were for television.

Verdict: The worm turns ... ***.

MR. UNIVERSE

Vince Edwards struts his stuff as "Mr. Universe"

MR. UNIVERSE (aka Mister Universe/1951). Produced and directed by Joseph Lerner.

"He's young, healthy, clean -- doesn't it give you ideas?'

An honest, naive, and simple-minded man named Tommy Tomkins (Vince Edwards) easily wins a "Mr. Universe" contest for well-proportioned males just after he meets up with an old army buddy whose life he saved. Jeff Clayton (Jack Carson) is a huckster and phony who convinces Tommy he should become a wrestler, and importunes promoter Joe Pulaski (Bert Lahr) to take him on. There's also the slimy "Fingers" Maroni (Robert Alda), who wants a big piece of "Universe" for himself. When Tommy wraps up his matches in so short a time that the audiences want their money back, Jeff and Joe try to wear him out before a bout, with expected complications. What puts this cute if minor flick over is the excellent cast who are all in top form, including Janis Paige as Jeff's girlfriend, and "Slapsy" Maxie Rosenbloom [The Yanks are Coming] as the trainer, "Big Ears." Vince Edwards [Hammerhead], introduced in this film as a blond, is fine as the likable if dumb Tommy and certainly illustrates his versatility in a role entirely unlike his "Ben Casey" a few years later. The wrestlers, such as Gorilla Hogan and Delightful Dave, are played by themselves, as is announcer Dennis James. Joan Rivers is supposedly one of the teenage girls screaming for the handsome Universe. Harry Landers [Phantom from Space; Rear Window] and Joyce Matthews have little to say but still manage to make an impression as Fingers' gunsel and moll, respectively. Lahr and Carson make a great team. This picture spoofed the utter phoniness of wrestling as a "sport" but things sure aren't any different today.

Verdict: Enthusiastic cast makes this more than watchable. **1/2.

THE SWIMMER

Janice Rule and Burt Lancaster

THE SWIMMER (1968). Director: Frank Perry.

"Pool by pool they form a river, all the way to my home."

Ned Merrill (Burt Lancaster of Desert Fury) shows up at the home of some friends who haven't seen him in awhile. Clad in a bathing suit, he tells them that he intends to swim from pool to pool on the estates in the area until he makes his way home. The reaction of the couple make it clear that something is off. As Ned makes his way on his journey, he encounters different people from his past, including many vulgar people with too much money, and the viewer slowly learns more and more about the truth behind this man's charming veneer and aura of health and success. The Swimmer is a quirky movie that is not for every taste, and some people might see it as an excuse for Lancaster to show off what good shape he was in, but if you're in tune with its style and content, it's an interesting and absorbing experience. Lancaster gives one of his all-time best performances, and he has wonderful support from such as Janice Rule, who plays a bitter ex-lover; Janet Landgard, who was once his babysitter and now is a nubile beauty; and Michael Kearney as a little boy who has been left alone with the maid by his vacationing parents. Joan Rivers, of all people, has a nice cameo as a lonely party guest who is attracted to Ned, and Jan Miner plays a vicious wife at a public swimming pool. Marvin Hamlisch's score is generally a plus. [Hamlisch also composed "Nobody Does It Better" for The Spy Who Loved Me.] The movie manages to work up sympathy for a man who may not be entirely deserving of it. John Cheever, who wrote the short story that inspired the movie, has a cameo as a party guest. Perry also directed Diary of a Mad Housewife.

Verdict: Don't kick a man when he's down. ***1/2.