I SAILED TO TAHITI WITH AN ALL GIRL CREW

Gardner McKay

I SAILED TO TAHITI WITH AN ALL GIRL CREW (1968). Written, produced, and directed by Richard L. Bare.

When he's drunk, Terry O'Brien (Gardner McKay of Adventures in Paradise) makes a bet that he can sail to Tahiti with an all-girl crew and arrive before his opponent, Josh (Fred Clark). If he loses, he has to give Josh his boat, the Samaran. His international crew consists of Liz (Diane McBain); sexy ex-stripper Marilyn (Edy Williams of The Naked Kiss); Monique (Jeanne Rainer); the cook and aspiring dancer Tamaya (Bebe Louie); and Janet (Arlene James). One of these women has viciously stabbed a man and is on the run, and there's a stowaway named Jimsy (Mary O'Brien), a tomboy who wants to join the crew and has a crush on Terry. If the movie weren't bad enough, we also have irritating Pat Buttram as a lawman on the hunt for the aforementioned stabber. Richard Denning [The Black Scorpion] plays a commodore who decides to choose the winner with a photo finish. The gals are pretty; glib if charming McKay is as handsome as ever; there are some nice yachts and pretty blue water; and one clever bit, when Tamaya keeps eggs from rolling off the counter by putting them in her bra cups. There's maybe one other laugh in what seems like a not-very-expensive home movie. I guess McKay beat Elvis to the punch because you can just see Presley warbling tunes and romancing women on the way to Tahiti -- I mean, this was an irresistible plot for the "Pelvis." I Sailed to Tahiti has no songs, but there is an Hawaiian dance number.

Verdict: I kept expecting Sonny and Cher to show up any minute and do the frug. *1/2.

THIS SIDE OF THE LAW

Kent Smith and Robert Douglas

THIS SIDE OF THE LAW (1950). Director: Richard L. Bare.

Down and outer David Cummins (Kent Smith) is hired by lawyer Philip Cagle (Robert Douglas) to impersonate his client, Mr. Taylor, a man who has been missing for nearly seven years. David is able to fool the family dog, but he also has to fool his brother, Calder (John Alvin); his sister-in-law, Nadine (Janis Paige), who was having an affair with Taylor; and even his wife, Evelyn (Viveca Lindfors), who reveals that her husband was basically a contemptible person. Cagle claims that the point of the impersonation is to protect Evelyn's interests, but there may be something much more dangerous going on. Most of the story takes place on a creepy estate called Sans Souci, with a big house nestled nearly at the edge of a cliff. Smith [Paula] is okay in the lead, albeit typically bland; Lindfors [These are the Damned] seems atypically disinterested; but Douglas, Alvin [Shanghai Chest], and especially Paige are more on the mark. The trouble with the movie is that the characters are paper-thin, and the plot unravels much too easily; it has a nice ending, however. Nita Talbot is listed prominently in the movie's credits, but she seems to have been left on the cutting room floor. Her character of "Miss Goff" doesn't resemble the older secretary in the movie at all. Bare directed the classic "To Serve Man" episode on The Twilight Zone, more than one Virginia Mayo movie, and the split-screen horror film Wicked, Wicked, among others. Douglas was a busy actor who later directed many television episodes.

Verdict: Film noir lite with an insufficient script. **1/2 out of 4.

SMART GIRLS DON'T TALK

SMART GIRLS DON'T TALK (1948). Director: Richard L. Bare.

Linda Vickers (Virginia Mayo, pictured) gets involved with gambling bigwig and shady character Marty Fain (Bruce Bennett) -- but so does her brother, "Doc" (Robert Hutton), who patches Fain up when he's shot and pays the ultimate price. This seems like a remake of an old Bette Davis movie that wasn't all that great in its original incarnation. Tom D'Andrea as Sparky Lynch adds a little spice, but not enough to save the movie. Mayo is competent enough but she seems to play everything in one note, although the script hardly gives her many opportunities to shine. Richard L. Bare also directed the much more interesting Wicked, Wicked many years later.

Verdict: Smart people stay away from movies like this. *1/2.

FLAXY MARTIN

FLAXY MARTIN (1949). Director: Richard L. Bare. 

Although the hard-as-nails title character is played by Virginia Mayo, the real protagonist is lawyer Walter Colby (Zachary Scott), who's sick and tired of having to get off the scum who work for hood Hap Richie (Douglas Kennedy). When one of them murders a blackmailing lady named Peggy (Helen Westcott), Colby decides to take the rap when Flaxy, whom he loves, is suspected of the crime. On the run Colby runs into good girl Nora (Dorothy Malone), and proceeds to have some not-so-interesting battles with gunsels and the like. Mayo doesn't have that much to do in the film; she's okay if a little obvious. Scott offers another brisk, almost-on-the-edge portrayal. Studio bosses didn't think Dorothy Malone had much sex appeal when she was a brunette, and this picture proves it -- she looked and did much better as a blond. Douglas Kennedy was also in The Amazing Transparent Man and others. Many years later Richard L. Bare wrote and directed Wicked, Wicked (1973). 

Verdict: Pretty forgettable noir lite. **.