TEENAGE CAVEMAN

Robert Vaughn and Jonathan Haze

TEENAGE CAVEMAN (aka Teenage Cave Man/1958). Produced and directed by Roger Corman.

In what seems to be a prehistoric society, the young son (Robert Vaughn) of the symbol maker (Leslie Bradley) questions the laws of the society as embodied by the crusty "Black-Bearded One" (Frank DeKova). No one is permitted to cross the river into the forbidden territory, but Vaughn's curiosity gets the better of him and he discovers dinosaur-like creatures (courtesy of One Million B.C. and others) and a strange "god" in a kind of bear suit who has a death touch. Pursued by the others of his tribe, Vaughn learns the truth of the world that lies beyond his tiny village ... Anyone who has read Stephen Vincent Benet's classic 1937 story "By the Waters of Babylon" will figure out the twist in this rip-off/variation of the tale, but on its own terms Teenage Caveman is more entertaining than it has any right to be. Vaughn gives a good, solid, dramatic performance and DeKova nearly steals the show in his turn as the dyspeptic guy who thinks anyone who breaks the law should be killed. The film casts Roger Corman's usual troupe of actors, including Jonathan Haze [The Little Shop of Horrors] as the "Curly-Haired Boy" and a spear-wielding Ed Nelson [Attack of the Crab Monsters]. Albert Glasser's typically brassy and effective score may be better than the picture deserves but it ably punctuates each scene in the film's short running time. Robert Vaughn went on to major success on TV's The Man from U.N.C.L.E. Teenage Caveman is similar to Creation of the Humanoids in that both films appear to be post-apocalyptic -- and they are -- but both turn out to take place in the distant past as well. A real film version of "By the Waters of Babylon" might have made a strikingly powerful film, but its ideas have been "borrowed" so often since its publication that it's unlikely it will ever receive an official filming, although a movie with just that title is listed as "in development" on the Internet Movie Data Base (IMDB) website. Who knows?

Verdict: Vaughn and dinosaurs. **1/2. 

INVASION OF THE STAR CREATURES

Space amazons give boys a brain drain

INVASION OF THE STAR CREATURES (1962). Director: Bruno VeSota. 

Jonathan Haze, who appeared in several Roger Corman features such as the starring role in The Little Shop of Horrors, wrote the screenplay for this atrocity and was supposed to play the lead with Dick Miller as his co-star. Wisely they passed up the opportunity and the utterly talentless Robert Ball and Frankie Ray were instead cast as two fucked-up soldiers who are sent to investigate a cave and discover strange vegetable-like aliens [who resemble something out of a grade school play] and two amply-endowed Amazon-like extraterrestrial "professors" (Gloria Victor and Delores Reed). The film was directed by Bruno VeSota, who'd appeared as an actor in such films as Attack of the Giant Leeches but had the good sense not to give himself a part in this 99 cents production [one assumes Roger Corman passed on this as well]. Ball and Ray, who make Martin and Lewis knock-offs Sammy Petrillo and Duke Mitchell [Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla] seem like Lawrence Olivier and Charles Laughton in comparison, are just terrible, but even talented comics would have a problem putting over this awful material. The busty outer space visitors want to take over Earth, but when they try to drain the brains of Ball and Ray they find nothing there -- no surprise. The gals are put into blissful shock by kisses from the fellows, making you wonder if the whole point of this production was for two creepy guys to have an opportunity to smooch two women who are so out of their league it isn't funny! Ball managed to rack up over sixty credits, while Ray had only one more credit after this. Reed and Victor are more talented than the boys, but Victor, like Ray, had only one more credit after Star Creatures and Reed never worked in pictures again [another big surprise]. Just dreadful and tedious with nary a real laugh. Mark Ferris, who plays the Colonel, is so completely inept as an actor that it's no wonder this was the only film he ever appeared in.

Verdict: Not even Roger Corman could have saved this hopeless production.  0 stars.

IT CONQUERED THE WORLD

IT CONQUERED THE WORLD (1956). Producer/director: Roger Corman.

"For a few dollars you can have a woman who'll fit all of your fetishes."

"It and some others are the sole survivors of a race born too soon."

Dr. Paul Nelson (Peter Graves), who's in charge of a space project, discovers that one of his missiles has been commandeered by a Venusian who is using it to arrive on Earth. Furthermore, Nelson's buddy Dr. Tom Anderson (Lee Van Cleef), is in direct contact with the alien. While Anderson insists that the creature has only benevolent purposes, the alien's first action is to suppress all energy so that no machines work. Then it sends out beasties that resemble small flying manta rays that attach themselves to humans and turn them into mind slaves. Anderson doesn't seem to care that this makes people as emotionless as the Venusian visitor, but his wife (Beverly Garland) certainly does. With a good script and dialogue by Lou Rusoff, It Conquered the World is absurd but zesty sci fi/horror, with an amusingly hideous monster created by Paul Blaisdell. It shares some ideas with Invasion of the Body Snatchers, a better film which was released the same year. Corman briefly used a similar type of flying creature in Not of This Earth the following year. Dick Miller and Jonathan Haze have small roles as soldiers. Graves and Sally Fraser are acceptable as Nelson and his wife; Van Cleef is fine as Anderson; and the ever-reliable Beverly Garland pretty much steals the show with her dynamic performance as Anderson's desperate and angry spouse. Nice score from Ronald Stein. This was remade -- badly -- as Zontar, The Thing from Venus.

Verdict: One of Corman's liveliest and most "fantastic" films. ***.

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 VOLUME 6

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 VOLUME 6. Gunslinger (1956). Director: Roger Corman.

I confess I was never a fan of Mystery Science Theater, in which a nerdy guy and two silly robots sit in front of a screen [cutting off the bottom third of the movie] and make sophomoric comments about the "bad" B movies they're watching. True, some of the movies were pretty bad, but not every old low-budget black and white movie is automatically a stinker. Another problem is that the people behind MST weren't especially talented, and the comments they make during the movie aren't much funnier than what you'd hear from someone if you watch one of these movies with a group of friends. [In fact, most of the jokes are pretty predictable.] There's also the fact that comments during movies (when not completely annoying) are funnier when they're made by people you know about people you know. Still, MST was a success of sorts with intellectually-challenged high schoolers and college "kids" of all ages. [We won't even talk about the lame "sketches," enacted by dufus amateurs, that are interspersed with the movies.]

This volume features Attack of the Giant Leeches [no world-beater, but fun enough on its own without added comments, especially when you can come up with better ones on your own], the genuinely abysmal Teenagers from Outer Space, and Roger Corman's Gunslinger with John Ireland, Beverly Garland and everybody's favorite 50 Foot Woman, Allison Hayes. Gunslinger, on its own terms, is a perfectly entertaining little B western with generally good performances from its cast, and would have been a lot more fun without the MST crew piping in with their annoying and mostly unfunny comments. Garland becomes sheriff after her husband is killed, and gets into a war with saloon and dance hall owner Hayes -- the two have a pretty zesty "cat-fight" at one point -- then falls for a gunslinger (Ireland) that Hayes hired to kill Garland. Bruno Ve Sota of Leeches and Jonathan Haze of Little Shop of Horrors are also in the cast.

Verdict: Gunslinger: **1/2.
Mystery Science Theater 0 stars.

THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS

THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (1960). Director: Roger Corman. 

"What do you call that salad?" 

"Cesarean." 

Seymour Krelboin (Jonathan Haze) finds an unusual plant and brings it to his employer, Gravis Mushnick (Mel Welles), who owns a flower shop in Skid Row. The plant attracts many new customers, but when it begins to wilt Seymour discovers that the only thing that will keep it alive and healthy is human blood. Guess what happens ... Written by Charles B. Griffith of Attack of the Crab Monsters fame, this is inventive, amusing, and grotesque in equal measure. Haze and Welles are wonderful, as are the quirky Jackie Joseph as co-worker Audrey [for whom the plant is named], Myrtle Vail as Seymour's mother, Leola Wendoff as Mrs. Shiva, who loses relatives with alarming frequency, and Dick Miller as a customer who eats flowers for his health. In smaller roles are Jack Nicholson as masochistic dental patient Wilbur Force, John Shaner as the dentist, and Lynn Storey as Mrs. Hortense Feuchtwanger of the flower society, all of whom are marvelous. A great cast, a funny (if tasteless) script, speedy direction, and those human heads inside the flower buds -- what more could you ask for? 

Verdict: A classic of bad taste. ***.

THE MONSTER FROM THE OCEAN FLOOR

THE MONSTER FROM THE OCEAN FLOOR (1954). Director: Wyatt Ordung.

Julie Blair (Anne Kimbell) is vacationing in Mexico where a monster is snatching cows and people from the shore. She meets a marine biologist named Steve Dunning (Stuart Wade) and his associate Dr. Baldwin (Dick Pinner). Dunning rides around in a cute one-man sub, and there are some nice underwater sequences. The director plays Pablo, who tries to kill Julie more than once because the villagers think she may somehow be the cause of their creature problem. Jonathan Haze of The Little Shop of Horrors is another villager named Joe. The movie is slow but atmospheric, and makes good use of its locations. Like a home movie at times, but strangely compelling. Anne Kimbell comes off like a 1930's style actress who entered pictures twenty years too late. She amassed about thirty film and TV credits from 1948 - 1958 and sometimes spelled her last name with an "a." Wade, uncredited, played a trooper in The Thing That Couldn't Die and had a few other credits. This was the first film solely produced by Roger Corman. The monster itself is nothing much to speak of.

Verdict: Not exactly Attack of the Crab Monsters, but what is? **1/2.

NOT OF THIS EARTH (1957)

NOT OF THIS EARTH (1957). Director: Roger Corman. Screenplay by Charles B. Griffith and Mark Hanna. 

The inhabitants of the planet Davanna are dying from a blood disease due to nuclear war so an emissary is sent to Earth to see if human blood will be suitable for inter-species transfusions. Paul Birch is perfect as the emissary who calls himself Paul Johnson, even affecting a kind of otherworldly accent as if English is not his natural language. Beverly Garland is also top-notch as a nurse who comes to work for Johnson when he offers her an unusually high salary. Jonathan Haze of Little Shop of Horrors is Johnson's human assistant. Johnson walks around in dark shades with a suitcase in which he puts a person's blood after he has removed it all. He also has hypnotic powers and a cosmic death stare. The movie is at times a black comedy -- funny Dick Miller of Bucket of Blood is one of the victims -- but it's also creepy and disturbing, particularly the scene when one poor guy is sent through a teleporter to be dissected but winds up crushed instead [off-screen]. A flying bat-like monster that attacks and kills one cast member is not that convincing but it's still shuddery in spite of it. Exciting climax. Hanna also scripted Amazing Colossal Man and Attack of the 50 Foot Woman. Griffith scripted Attack of the Crab Monsters. 

Verdict: Effective B movie with many nice moments and good acting. ***.