THREE INTO TWO WON'T GO

Rod Steiger: lover boy?

THREE INTO TWO WON'T GO (1969). Director: Peter Hall.

43-year-old serial cheater Steve Howard (Rod Steiger) works in sales and goes off on frequent business trips. On one of these he picks up 19-year-old Ella (Judy Geeson of Berserk), a free-living, promiscuous, borderline hooker, installs her in a nearby hotel, and sleeps with her. Steve wants to keep seeing Ella -- no wonder! -- but then she shows up at his house when he's away and becomes friends with his wife, Frances (Claire Bloom). Frances buys Ella's story, takes pity on her, and invites her to stay in the guestroom. Then Ella announces to all that she is pregnant -- with Steve's child! Three Into Two Won't Go is halfway between a trashy exploitation picture and a serious marital drama and doesn't quite work as either, although the acting by all three leads helps put it over. Bloom [The Chapman Report] and Steiger [The Sergeant] were a real-life married couple at the time of filming although they were divorced this very year (after ten years), which may be why they don't quite come off as a realistic match in the picture. Or maybe it was Steiger's unappealing semi-nude scenes! Peggy Ashcroft certainly scores as France's mother, Belle, whom Frances brings home from a retirement village. One gets the feeling that the more interesting parts of the story happened after the end of the picture, and a lot is left unsaid.

Verdict: Several excellent performances help create a fairly interesting and not bad picture. ***.

HAMMERHEAD

Ben Casey as spy: Vince Edwards

HAMMERHEAD (1968). Director: David Miller.

"Is she pretty? Or is he pretty? Well, you never know."

Agent Charles Hood (Vince Edwards) is brought in by British Intelligence to investigate a character known only as Hammerhead (Peter Vaughn). Hood pretends to be a dealer in pornography so as to get on Hammerhead's yacht, where he learns a plan is afoot to steal some very important papers. Another part of the dire plot is to have someone impersonate Sir Richard (Michael Bates), a British dignitary, spiriting him away from a classical music concert and replacing him with a double. A laid-back Vince Edwards [City of Fear] is effective enough as Hood, but he has absolutely no chemistry with his leading lady, the somewhat monkey-faced Judy Geeson, and the romantic scenes don't exactly sizzle. This might not have been the case had these moments been turned over to the sexier Diana Dors, who runs a nightclub where Geeson sings and who is Hammerhead's girlfriend. What Hammerhead has going for it is great locations, good photography, and some lively fight sequences. The movie isn't campy for the most part, although it is way too "mod" at times and includes too many scenes with "flower children." Perhaps the most interesting scene has Hood taking a piece of film he needs to see into a porn theater, where the projectionist has to show the horny fellows a comparatively dull movie. The funniest scene is when Geeson performs a number with her voice dubbed by Madeline Bell, whose deep smoky voice is hardly suited to the squeaky Geeson. Peter Vaughn isn't given a chance to make much of an impression as the master villain, but Patrick Cargill is his usual efficient self as a British agent. Geeson and Dors both appeared with Joan Crawford in Berserk and David Miller directed her in Sudden Fear.

Verdict: Not great, but there have been worse sixties spy films and Edwards is appealing ... **1/2.

INSEMINOID

The cast of Inseminoid discuss firing their agents

INSEMINOID (aka Horror Planet/1981). Director: Norman J. Warren.

An archaeological expedition is sent to a planet where has been discovered a "vast, tomb-like complex," the exploration of which they hope will give them insight into the past inhabitants and what might have wiped them out. But before you can say Alien, Sandy (Judy Geeson) is attacked and impregnated by an alien creature that apparently takes over her mind and makes her go psycho. Inseminoid turns into a space-slasher film as Sandy stalks the other crew members, probably in an attempt to protect her baby. Besides Geeson, the only "name" actor is Stephanie Beacham [And Now the Screaming Starts] as another crew member. Inseminoid is slow, confusing and tedious, with nary a single thing to recommend it. This is the type of terrible movie that does no one's career any good, although most of the actors are all perfectly competent, although for some reason you can't quite take Jennifer Ashley seriously as the leader of the expedition. Geeson was also in Berserk with Joan Crawford. A dreadful musical score only makes the whole experience even more awful.You can probably miss the scene when a trapped lady astronaut uses a saw on her foot.

Verdict: Atrocious. 1/2 *.