FILMS I JUST COULDN'T FINISH ROUND FIVE

FILMS I JUST COULDN'T FINISH ROUND FIVE. 

As noted previously, these are not reviews, per se, but notes on films that I watched or suffered through until I just gave up on them for one reason or another. Sometimes I skipped to different sections just to get a sense of what was going on or to see if the film became more entertaining. Not all of these pictures are necessarily bad, they just didn't hold my attention. If you see one on the list that you think deserves another look, let me know.

The Spider's Web (1960) is based on a play by Agatha Christie but I could hardly finish a quarter of it when I turned it off. Glynis Johns is irritating and the whole flick comes off as a witless sitcom. I couldn't care less who murdered the man found in a closet.  

FX-18 (1964) is a poor Eurospy film with Ken Clark of Attack of the Giant Leeches playing a womanizing agent sent to Majorca to smash a spy ring that operates out of a yacht. Clark is okay in the part but the picture's pace is too slow and there is no style whatsoever. 

Secret Agent FX-18 /aka The Exterminators/1965)-- not to be confused with the just plain FX-18 -- stars Richard Wyler as another Eurospy who deals with sinister Egyptian agents, a French rocket, assorted thugs and the like, but the picture never amounts to much in spite of a lot of running around in different locales. 

Fireball 500  (1966) teams Frankie Avalon and Fabian Forte as rival race car drivers with songs, giggling gals, romance, and the like thrown into the mix but after awhile you realize there really isn't much to this picture. 

The Spy with Ten Faces (1966) stars Paul Hubschmid ("Paul Christian" in The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms) as "UpperSeven," a super-spy who wears so many masks that his enemies don't really know what he looks like. This device, borrowed from old pulp stories and serials, might be the only really interesting element of this mediocre eurospy flick, directed by super-hack Alberto De Martino. Although Hubschmid is fine in the lead and there are some good scenes, this is not a contender. 

I gave up on The Man from O.R.G.Y.  (1970) rather quickly, although I did try to stick it out for my customary quarter of the running time. This stars Robert Walker (Jr.) as a weird agent for a sex-based organization called O.R.G.Y. Walker is assigned to find three young heiresses who have a strange tattoo and gets involved in ludicrous, allegedly kinky scenarios. A complete waste of celluloid. 

I had wanted to see the strangely-titled Who Is Harry Kellerman and Why Is He Saying Those Terrible Things about Me?  (1971) for decades but was sorry when I did. With a poor and silly script by Herb Gardner, and an off-putting style from director Ulu Grosbard, this movie about a singer (Dustin Hoffman) who is supposedly bedeviled by a person saying bad things about him to his friends, never becomes remotely compelling. Leading Lady Barbara Harris shows up very late in the film but although she was inexplicably nominated for a supporting actress Oscar for this stinker, she's hardly enough to save this mess. 

The Sender (1982) is about a strange young man who tries to drown himself and winds up in a mental hospital where a woman tries to treat him despite his odd, almost supernatural, abilities. Despite the presence of Shirley Knight and the talented Zeljko Ivanek in his first starring role, this movie is so slowww and dull that I gave up on it halfway through. 

Fatal Instinct (1993) was meant to be a spoof of Fatal Attraction and Basic Instinct, and I must say Armand Assante, Kate Nelligan, and Sean Young are right on-target in their performances, but this is basically a Carol Burnett Show spoof stretched out to over an hour and a half  -- after awhile this Carl Reiner-directed comedy begins to wear very thin. 

The Nurse (1997) stars Lisa Zane as a woman who comes to care for a paralyzed man she feels is responsible for the death of her father. No one in the movie seems to realize how awful the situation is for the patient, who can't move or speak but is able to think constantly about his horrible predicament. Eventually this whole situation becomes irritating, but in any case the movie doesn't grip.

The Woods (2006) has a young lady being sent to an exclusive girls' school where she has to contend with bitchy classmates, weird teachers, and the possibility of witches in the woods. This horror film may have been intended for a teen audience, but it just didn't hold the interest of this adult viewer. 

Triangle (2009) features a young woman with an autistic son who goes on a yachting party with a guy she's dating and his friends. They wind up on a deserted ocean liner where someone appears to be killing them off. Instead of a linear and tense suspense film, which this could easily have been, writer-director Christopher Smith gets metaphysical, silly, and unoriginal -- and creates a mess, The movie is professionally shot, acted, and directed -- quite well made, in fact -- but seeing the same scenes from multiple points of view quickly becomes tedious. The movie attempts to add some depth and poignancy relating to the little boy, but the screenplay is awkward, and all told, poor. After an hour I skipped to the end.

Nerve (2013) concerns a man who learns his wife is having an affair shortly before she is killed in a car crash. He becomes friends with a hooker and visits his psychiatrist regularly after having a nervous breakdown. I gave this alleged thriller more than twenty dull minutes waiting for something of interest to happen, but the placid style and slow pacing was so off-putting that I found myself longing to switch to anything, even an umpteenth rerun of Dr. Phil. I skipped ahead to see what the "alleged" twist was all about and am glad I didn't waste another full hour actually sitting through this.

The Last Days on Mars (2013) has astronauts planning to leave the "red planet" when they come across some kind of dangerous contagion. When the actors began foaming at the mouth and attacking everyone like something out of Night of the Living Dead I figured this was another trip to the well I didn't need and switched it off. 

78/52 Hitchcock's Shower Scene (2017) is a documentary about Psycho, especially the famous shower murder sequence. Well after about fifteen minutes I gave up on this. I mean, there was some pretentious film journalist babbling on about the movie along with minor celebrities like Elijah Wood and Bret Easton Ellis offering their opinions and whose observations were neither insightful nor interesting  -- who cares? 

Normally I love monster movies but I quit Rampage (2018), despite some good FX work, about a quarter of the way in because it came off like just another "Rock/Duane Johnson" action movie that I felt I had seen once too often. Just had no great desire to see it to the end. 

Although I did like Inglourious Basterds (with reservations), I still don't count myself among the fans of Quentin Tarantino. Nevertheless I checked out Once Upon a Time ... in Hollywood  (2019) because people I know and whose opinions I generally trust recommended the film, so I gave this tedious and meandering movie a try. Everyone said that the ending was a knock out, and that may be the case, but I just couldn't stick around until it got there -- there were too many other films I really wanted to look it. I may return to this some day, but for now ... Besides, even if the ending is good that may not justify how long it takes to arrive there. 

Other pictures I stopped watching or skimmed through include: I'm From Arkansas with Bruce Bennett; Carnival Lady (1933); and the "eurospy" pictures Red Dragon with Stewart Granger; Secret Agent Fireball with Ray Danton; Agent OO3: Operation Atlantis with John Ericson; Dick Smart 2.007 with Richard Wyler;, The Big Blackout; Kommissar X: Death Trip; and Kommissar X: Operation Pakistan.

SPY IN YOUR EYE

Dana Andrews

SPY IN YOUR EYE (aka Berlino appuntamento per le spie/1965). Director: Vittorio Sala.

Colonel Lancaster (Dana Andrews) assigns two of his men --  Bert Morris (Brett Halsey) and Willie (Mario Valdemarin) -- to rescue Paula Krauss (Pier Angeli), the daughter of a deceased scientist who has invented a "super death ray." Both the Russians and Chinese want Paula in the hopes that she knows her father's secret formula. As the woman is shuttled back and forth from spy to spy and country to country, Colonel Lancaster has his missing left eye surgically replaced with a micro-telecamera that looks like a human eye. Lancaster thinks that only he can see out of his mechanical eye and doesn't realize that enemy agents are seeing and hearing everything that he does, and therefore have full knowledge of his agents' plans. 

Brett Halsey

This last aspect of the story is really the only point of interest in the movie, but little is done with it. Because Dana Andrews was still a name, and Brett Halsey a recognizable "B" actor, American filmgoers were fooled by a major ad campaign and saturation bookings into thinking they were seeing some kind of James Bond-type adventure. Instead they got a mediocre eurospy film  Aside from the fake eye, the movie is pretty low-tech, with Bert using special dehydration pills to get two bad guys to talk, and another bad guy employing a supposedly devastating weapon to shoot down a bird. 

Consultation: Halsey and Andrews

There is some mild excitement at the climax, in which the walls of a clinic move back and forth, creating new rooms to fool secret agents, a femme fatale is crushed, and the heroes and villains shoot it out amidst the melee.  The real voices of Halsey [Return of the Fly] and Andrews [Night of the Demon] are used, while the Italian actors are generally dubbed. Both actors had many, many more credits after this film was released, although this was not one of the better films that either performer appeared in. 

Verdict: Better than some eurospy movies but not great. **1/4. 

THE DEATH RAY MIRROR OF DR. MABUSE

Dead or only resting? Dr. Mabuse

THE DEATH RAY MIRROR OF DR. MABUSE (aka Die Todesstrahlen des Dr. Mabuse/The Death Ray of Dr. Mabuse/1964). Director: Hugo Fregonese.

Following the events of Dr. Mabuse vs. Scotland Yard, Professor Pohland (Walter Rilla) claims that he was forced to do his evil deeds detailed in the last film by the spirit of Dr. Mabuse. There seems to be a new Dr. Mabuse in town, and his adversary this time is Major Bob Anders (Peter van Eyck, who played a different character in the previous film but is basically in the same role as agent). Anders is sent to Malta to protect Professor Larsen (O. E. Hasse), who has invented a deadly "death ray mirror" that is coveted by Mabuse. Anders brings along an old, rather dumb girlfriend named Judy (Rika Dialyna) for cover, and also dallies with Larsen's daughter, Gilda (Yvonne Furneaux), and the Oriental beauty, Mercedes (Yoko Tanio). Other characters are Director Botani (Claudio Gora), the eye-patched Admiral Quency (Leo Genn of Personal Affair), and Gilda's boyfriend, Mario (Gustavo Rojo of Tarzan and the Mermaids), one of whom may be the evil Mabuse. While Death Ray Mirror is better than Scotland Yard, it's still a far cry from a good movie. Like the other sixties Mabuse films, this one is an ersatz Eurospy movie, with all of the usual elements but without the budget and elan to make them come alive in any really entertaining fashion. The "death ray mirror" never really comes into play and has little to do with anything. Peter van Eyck handles the derring do as well as anyone. This is the last of the sixties German Mabuse series, but not the last outing for the bad German doctor.

Verdict: Mabuse deserves better. **.

DR. GOLDFOOT AND THE GIRL BOMBS

Who cares? Just give me the check!

DR. GOLDFOOT AND THE GIRL BOMBS (aka Le spie vengono dal semifreddo/1966). Director: Mario Bava.

Probably due to the ad campaign, the spy craze of the period, and the presence of Vincent Price, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikimi Machine was a hit for AIP. A year later the inevitable sequel materialized, with Price reprising his role of the diabolical doctor who has escaped death and is now blowing up horny generals by using beautiful robot girls full of explosives. Instead of Frankie Avalon, we have another teen idol, Fabian, playing spy, and there are two Italian alleged comedians who also play bumbling agents. Goldfoot's ultimate scheme is to drop a super-hydrogen bomb on Moscow, bringing about WW3. Goldfoot also has a pool full of piranha who never figure in the plot, as well as another general who happens to be Goldfoot's twin -- nothing much happens with that, either. Despite the fact that Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs has one more laugh-out-loud moment than Bikini Machine -- bringing the total up to half a dozen (that's one laugh every fifteen minutes) -- it's an even worse movie than its predecessor. Price, with both eyes on his paycheck and certainly not on the script, gives a gleefully hammy performance and probably never sat through this crapola himself -- if only his fans had been spared! As an actor, Fabian [A Bullet for Pretty Boy] actually amassed 48 credits. Possibly Mario Bava's worst movie.

Verdict: Just awful. 1/2*.

DANGER!! DEATH RAY

Delfi Mauro and Gordon Scott

DANGER!! DEATH RAY (aka Il raggio infernale/1967). Director: Gianfranco Baldanello.

When Professor Carmichael (Tullio Altamura) is kidnapped along with his death ray -- more powerful than a laser beam -- American agent Bart Fargo (Gordon Scott) is sent into action. En route to Barcelona, Fargo first encounters a pretty plane passenger (Silvia Solar), who turns up again in dramatic circumstances, and then meets the painter, Lucille (Delfi Mauro). In addition to flirting with the ladies, Fargo has to fight off several assassins, including one, Al (Massimo Righi), who becomes Bart's helpmate when his companions turn on him. The hired guns in this are especially inept, particularly in one comical sequence when an assassin tries to push Bart out a window and goes flying into space himself! The high-tech effects include an obviously toy helicopter and submarine, and the "death ray" certainly doesn't do much until a few seconds at the end. (Any notions that the movie presents attacks on cities or buildings by giant death rays because of the title are quickly forgotten.) One clever bit has jackhammers being turned into machine guns. Gordon Scott, best known for playing Tarzan in such films as Tarzan's Greatest Adventure, makes a perfectly acceptable super-spy, the ladies are adept enough, and Alberto Dalbes is effective as Carver, the slimy villain of the piece. The movie's score is terrible.

Verdict: Sub-standard Eurospy trash in widescreen Eastmancolor. **.

KOMMISSAR X: ISLAND OF LOST GIRLS

Tony Kendall and Brad Harris

KOMMISSAR X: ISLAND OF LOST GIRLS (aka Three Golden Serpents/Drei goldene Schlangen/1969). Director: Roberto Mauri.

Those adventuresome daredevils, private eye Joe Walker (Tony Kendall) and Captain Tom Rowland (Brad Harris), are back in another "Kommissar X" adventure set in Thailand. ("Kommissar X" is a nickname for Walker.) Tourist Maud Leighton (Loni Heuser) contacts the two men when her daughter, Phyllis (Hansi Linder) is kidnapped in Bangkok. Phyllis has been taken to an island where captive women are held to be sex slaves for wealthy perverts. Armand Landru (Walter Brandi), is a French agent who is actually in the employ of  Madame Kim Soo (Vilaiwan Vantanapanich, a supposedly benevolent woman who has numerous charitable interests and is apparently above reproach. Petra (Rotraut de Neve) is assigned to watch over the ladies, but makes a break for it and tries to get help. There is also an ice princess, Kathin (Monica Pardo), who makes poisons for Landru and paralyzes Joe at one point, placing a cobra near his bed. The cultists employed by Madame Kim Soo all have tattoos of three snakes (hence the alternate title Three Golden Serpents), and her handsome associate Frank (Carlos de Castro) has a mean way with a knife. Island of Lost Girls boasts some colorful locations and has a fast pace. The basic plot actually deserves a better movie. Everyone in the movie is dubbed, including the two lead actors. An Italian-West German release.

Verdict: Average, modestly entertaining Kommissar X feature. **1/2.

THE GIRL FROM RIO (1969)

Shirley Eaton as Sumuru  or Sumitra or Sumanda

THE GIRL FROM RIO (aka Rio 70/aka Die sieben Manner der Sumuru/1969). Director: Jess Franco.

In this pseudo-Eurospy movie and sort-of sequel to The Million Eyes of Sumuru, the arch-villainess who wants women to take over the world has created her own country of Femina. Sumuru (Shirley Eaton) kidnaps people and does other nefarious deeds to raise money for her all-female nation. A private eye named Jeff Sutton (Richard Wyler) has been hired to find his client's daughter, Ulla (Marta Reves), and cooks up a scheme to carry a suitcase allegedly filled with ten million dollars, figuring Sumuru is sure to nibble at the bait and take him to where Ulla is imprisoned. A weird character named Masius (George Sanders) has also heard about the money and orders his hit man, Carl (Herbert Fleischmann). to get it, meaning Jeff not only has to get Ulla out of Sumuru's jail but dodge attacks from Carl and his cronies. "Sumuru" first appeared in several novels by Sax Rohmer, the creator of Fu Manchu, but for some reason she is called "Sumanda" in this even as the closing credits list her name as "Sumitra." By any name, The Girl from Rio is an atrocious film, whose only purpose is to combine a trip to Rio for Carnivale with a tax loss. Eaton does her best, Sanders is as professional (and as wasted) as ever, and Wyler [The Strange Door] is also a capable enough actor, but the movie can best be described as a glorified home movie with terrible cinematography and typically poor Jess Franco direction. Sumuru keeps her prisoners in glass cells, half-naked, and entranced by a hypnotic mist. One scene has Jeff "tortured" by having several women crawling all over him and kissing him. The shame of this is that Rohmer's character was an interesting one, with fascinating aspects, but she's been reduced to a cartoon. The novels definitely had a homoerotic edge to them, although Sumuru was clearly interested in men, but in this movie the only sex she has is with another woman. The title tune is pleasant, although it reminds one of "The Girl from Ipanema." Most of the money for this film seems to have been spent on costumes for Eaton and the ladies. The script is by schlockmeister Harry Alan Towers, who also produced the film. Jess Franco's The Awful Dr. Orloff was not as awful as this. Rohmer's character later appeared in the 2003 film Sumuru.

Verdict: Interminable! *.

THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E. (2015)

Henry Cavill as Solo and Armie Hammer as Illya

THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E. (2015). Director: Guy Ritchie.

Back during the days of the Cold War, CIA agent Napoleon Solo (Henry Cavill) crosses figurative swords with Russian agent Illya Kuryakin (Armie Hammer) when the two are on opposite sides of a mission in which the former is helping a woman named Gaby (Alicia Vikander) get out from behind the iron curtain. Gaby is the daughter of a former Nazi scientist, Dr. Teller, who has been working on a nuclear device for an organization run by the sinister Victoria (Elizabeth Debicki). Solo, Illya and Gaby's new mission is to infiltrate Victoria's operation and find the bomb, even as the two male agents are told their respective countries must win the arms race and get their hands on a certain disc, over each other's dead bodies if necessary. The Man from U.N.C.L.E. is a refashioning of an old television series that many of today's moviegoers have never heard of or even seen. There are so many changes that you wonder why they even made the movie under this title or who the audience for the picture was supposed to be. As in several old Eurospy movies and more recent TV shows, Solo is turned into a black market criminal who is blackmailed into working for the CIA. Hugh Grant [Love Actually] plays Waverly, but the name "U.N.C.L.E." is only referred to as a codename in the final moments of the picture. Victoria's organization isn't given a name, and THRUSH, the main adversary of the heroes in the TV series, is never mentioned. There are no cameos by the stars of the series, Robert Vaughn or David McCallum. Speaking of which, Henry Cavill's [Immortals] performance as an arch, super-cool, stylish super-spy isn't bad for what it is, but the man has absolutely no charm, at least in this. Hammer is more on the mark as a different kind of Illya, but the movie is stolen by Debicki as the villainess, who makes Gervaise Ravel of the old show seem like a piker in comparison. Director Ritchie tries to make the film different and whimsical, but this approach often backfires, such as when what could have been an exciting scene on a river is muffed by the "cute" stylistics. Some of the other action sequences are okay, however. Arguably the best and most darkly comical scene in the movie involves Solo being tortured by Gaby's sadistic Uncle Rudi (Sylvester Groth), whose ultimate fate is pleasantly ironical, as is Victoria's in the film's entertaining (if rather abrupt) climax. John Mathieson's cinematography is outstanding, guaranteeing that the film looks great, but the score, a hodge podge of generally inappropriate musical cues, is terrible, with a fairly hideous theme song wailed by a female singer. If Jerry Goldsmith's terrific theme for the TV show is in there somewhere, I missed it. The women in the film are attractive, but not especially glamorous a la James Bond; in fact one could argue that most of the sexual tension in this is between the two men, (although it must be said that being a stylish clothes horse with good taste doesn't always add up to being gay, or vice versa). The script for this is somewhere between one of the really bad overly campy episodes of the old series and the much better ones of the first and fourth seasons.

Verdict: This isn't totally terrible and there are enjoyable moments and performances. Fans of the show will probably be disappointed, however. **1/2.

THAT MAN IN ISTANBUL

Horst Buchholz

THAT MAN IN ISTANBUL (aka Estambul '65/1965). Director: Antonio Isasi.

Since the extremely popular From Russia With Love took place mostly in Istanbul, is it any wonder that a spy film made the following year would also use the city as its setting? But this flick is perhaps more similar to Kiss Kiss Bang Bang in that the hero is a shady character who gets into the spy action for money. An atomic scientist named Pendergast (Umberto Raho) has been kidnapped, but just as he is being returned his plane blows up -- but was he on it? American agent Kelly (Sylvia Koscina) suspects that Tony Mecenas (Horst Buchholz), who has a gambling operation, a few henchmen and many female admirers, might be behind this deception. However, the two wind up working together as a bunch of Chinese (who seem to work for a Spectre-like organization that also has its own island) and assorted roughnecks are out to find Pendergast and kill off anyone who gets in their way. That Man in Istanbul doesn't make a lot of sense, and doesn't begin auspiciously, but it gets a bit better and has some effective sequences, chief among them a fight high in a minaret-like tower, and a suspenseful climax when Tony and Kelly try hard to get away from a boat that's about to explode. Klaus Kinski [The Million Eyes of Sumuru] shows up briefly but has a decent fight-to-the-death with Tony, who runs half-naked through a Woman-Only sauna and winds up in the back seat of a limo with a startled dowager. The film is essentially farcical, with Buchholz turning to the audience at one point and saying, "What -- me worry?" Tony's affectionate nickname for Kelly is "baby fat" and there's another lady named Elisabeth (Perette Pradier) who gets involved in the action. Buchholz [Dead of Night] does not give a bad performance as a "cute" light-hearted operative, but no one would have cast him as Bond. An international "eurospy" co-production.

Verdict: A really good-looking hero never hurts. **1/2.

CRY U.N.C.L.E.

Robert Vaughn and David McCallum

CRY U.N.C.L.E.

As of this writing, tomorrow unveils the new big-screen adaptation of the sixties spy show, The Man from U.N.C.L.E. Frankly, the previews I've seen of the new movie don't seem that promising, but I'll reserve judgment until I see it. In the meantime, this week we've got a round-up of UNCLE-related posts, including a look at seasons three and four (the final season) of Man from UNCLE (click for reviews of seasons one and two, already posted); a round-up of UNCLE paperback novels; a look at the reunion movie made in the early eighties; and two or three more "eurospy" flicks. (No spy movies next week, I promise. Well, maybe just one.)

The Man from UNCLE started out as an exciting spy series that was essentially told straight even if it had its humorous aspects and was never quite totally "serious." The second season the show began turning into a bit of a spoof, with more and more camp, but was still quite entertaining. The third season had some memorably zany episodes, but by this time it had become a full-on spoof as in Get Smart, and the ratings plummeted -- why watch UNCLE when Get Smart was better and funnier? [The less said about the abysmal The Girl from UNCLE, the better.] The fourth excellent season returned to the kind of episodes they had in the first season, but it was too late, and UNCLE was canceled after only about half the episodes were completed.

I freely confess that I loved The Man from UNCLE with its gadgets and colorful villains, and eagerly devoured each new paperback as it came out. I won't go so far as to say that I wanted to sign up with THRUSH, although I sort of found that organization more fascinating than UNCLE. But UNCLE was always one of my all-time favorite programs. [Needless to say, I loved James Bond novels and movies as well.]

It was hoped that the reunion movie The Return of the Man from UNCLE would lead into a new series, but despite high ratings, it was not picked up. We'll soon learn if the big-screen adaptation is a success or not.

CODE NAME: JAGUAR

Ray Danton and Pascale Petit

CODE NAME: JAGUAR (aka Corrida our un espion/1965). Director: Maurice Labro.

Slick agent Jeff Larson (Ray Danton) is told to find the Russian spy operating out of an Army base in San Juan. Given the code name "Jaguar," Larson talks into his special ring and looks a bit silly doing so. Larson is not above using a cigarette to torture information out of an enemy agent, especially as it pertains to a strange weapon inside the hold of a Russian freighter. When Larson is captured and imprisoned on the ship, he discovers there's a mine aboard that could go off any second. In spite of this, Code Name: Jaguar has little real suspense and the constant banter between Larson and lady agent Pilar (Pascale Petit) quickly becomes tiresome. Helga Sommerfeld plays Lina Calderon, another lady with her eyes and lips on Larson. Danton [Too Much, Too Soon] is perfect for the role of the spy, punching the bad guys and lovin' the ladies with equal aplomb -- and his great voice isn't dubbed --  but this movie never quite takes off. A Spanish-French-West German co-production. Danton appeared in at least two other "eurospy" movies.

Verdict: Danton makes a good lead but needs a much better vehicle. **.

KOMMISSAR X: SO DARLING, SO DEADLY

Tony Kendall and Brad Harris

KOMMISSAR X: SO DARLING, SO DEADLY (aka Kommisar X -- In den Klauen des goldenen Drachen aka Agent Joe Walker: Operation Far East/1966). Director: Frank Kramer/Gianfranco Parolini.

"You're just like a man -- cynical, cold, heartless." -- Sybil.

"That's true." -- Joe.

In the third of several movies teaming Joe Walker, aka "Kommissar X" (Tony Kendall), with New York police captain Tom Rowland (Brad Harris), the boys are sent to Singapore to report to a man named Apollo. Apollo turns out to be elderly Professor Akron (E. F. Furbringer), who is working on a deadly laser that uses an "eradica filter." An organization called the Golden Dragon, run by a mysterious man in a red mask with eye holes, has his operatives do their best to acquire the filter, even going so far as to kidnap the professor's daughter, Sybil (Barbara Frey). There are several female assassins in the Golden Dragon, including busty blond Stella (Gisela Hahn), her sister Serena (Margaret Rose Kiel), and nasty brunette Shabana (Luisa Rivelli). So Darling, So Deadly features some excellent Singapore location work, a couple of exciting chase sequences, and two suspenseful death traps: one involving an elevator shaft and a descending car with spikes on the bottom of it; and the other involving a cage wherein spears keep descending on a captive Walker. The English voices chosen for our heroes are not appropriate, the musical score is terrible (a different score would have vastly improved the movie), and the whole production is second-rate, but the movie is not altogether awful and has several quite entertaining moments. The women in the cast are attractive, but hardly the raving, super-sexy beauties of some of the Bond films. Harris, who does a mean frug at one point, also supervised the stunt work in the film. Italian-German co-production.

Verdict: Acceptable europsy feature with two efficient leads. **1/2.

THE VISCOUNT

Kerwin Mathews roughs up a bad guy

THE VISCOUNT aka Les viscomte regle ses comptes aka The Viscount Settles a Score/1967.) Director: Maurice Cloche.

A bank hold-up which employs special equipment such as a vaporizer begins this adventure in which agent Clint de la Roche, known popularly as the Viscount (Kerwin Mathews of Maniac), gets caught in a war between two hoodlums, Barone (Falco Lulli) and Demoygne (Fernando Rey of The French Connection). Clint meets a sexy stripper named Lili (Sylvia Sorrente) after the latter's roommate is blown up by Barone in her car; and also encounters an agent with the Bureau of Narcotics named Steve Heller (Luis Davila). Mathews does this spy stuff as well as anyone, but it's a shame that his very nice voice has been dubbed. There are the usual gun battles, scenes of capture and torture, but none of it amounts to very much.[NOTE: On imdb.com Edmund O'Brien is listed as playing "Ricco Barone" but this distinctive actor does not appear to be in the film; he may have been slated to play the part, then dropped out.] A France-Italy-Spain co-production.

Verdict: Standard Eurospy saga. **.

THOSE AMAZING "EUROSPY" MOVIES

THOSE AMAZING "EUROSPY" MOVIES.

The success of the first James Bond movie, Dr. No, not only led to many, many more 007 films, but literally dozens of movies and TV shows that were influenced by the Bond movies. The chief TV show that came in Bond's wake was The Man from U.N.C.L.E., and this in turn influenced the lighter tone of certain Bond movies, as well as some of the Eurospy movies that came afterward. There were British and American imitations of Bond as well, not to mention productions from Italy, Germany, and elsewhere, generally dubbed into English and given silly, if appropriate and generic, titles such as Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and Kiss Kiss Kill Kill. All sorts of secret agents wandered through a mostly European landscape, giving rise to a whole genre of "Eurospy" movies. In each of these there was a handsome, skirt-chasing devil, seemingly irresistible to women, trailing after spies and criminal masterminds, many of whom were inspired by such Bond villains as Goldfinger, Blofeld and Emilio Largo (Adolfo Celi), among others. Perhaps the most outrageous Bond imitation was Operation Kid Brother or O.K. Connery, which had the chutzpah to cast Sean Connery's younger brother, Neil Connery, in the lead, and even used his name for the main character. The Italian producers even hired Bernard Lee (M) and Lois Maxwell (Miss Moneypenny) to play parts virtually identical to the ones they played in the legitimate 007 features. [In spite of this, the Bond producers hired them back, probably figuring no one would actually see the dreadful Kid Brother.] You can read about this film and several others below, as this week we review a few Eurospy movies along with a couple of genuine James Bond features. In future weeks we'll be looking at other Eurospy movies starring everyone from Horst Bucholz to Kerwin Mathews to Ray Danton and more.

KISS KISS BANG BANG

 KISS KISS BANG BANG (1966). Director: Duccio Tessari.

Kirk Warren (Giulano Gemma) is about to be executed when he receives a pardon on the condition that he steal a formula the government wants before it can fall into the hands of the mysterious "Mr. X." Warren also wants to be paid a million dollars and when his liaison balks, decides he'll steal the formula for himself. He enlists the help of several aides, including his girlfriend Alina Shakespeare (Nieves Navarro), pulls off the robbery, then is caught in a cat and mouse game of trying to get paid for the formula as he dodges friend and foe alike. There's an acrobat, a parrot named Socrates, a talking pigeon, and an elderly lady who wields a mean cane. Warren is given a gun that emits laughing gas instead of bullets. Of all the James Bond parodies that were made, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang has to be one of the worst. Gemma, with his male model good looks, makes a convincing enough lover boy and anti-hero, there are some good settings, including Venice, and one decent scene when Warren has to parachute out of a plane onto a mountaintop, but mostly the movie is like one of the worst episodes of Batman and about as funny. It's interesting to note Warren uses a car that can go underwater, as in a much later James Bond movie with Roger Moore. The picture's score has musical diversity but is almost uniformly lousy. A dubbed Italian-Spanish co-production.

Verdict: Unfunny and atrocious. *.

KISS KISS KILL KILL

Brad Harris and Tony Kendall

KISS KISS KILL KILL aka Kommissar X -- Jagd auf Unbekann/1966). Director: Gianfranco Parolini (Frank Kramer).  

Not to be confused with Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, this movie is another dubbed Eurospy action flick. Despite the fact that the hero, Joe Walker (Tony Kendall), is a private eye and not a secret agent, the movie is still an imitation of Goldfinger with its megalomaniac villain, named Oberon [actor unknown], and his plan of hoarding all the world's gold on his private island. Oberon also has a force of cold-eyed blondes with the same hairdo whose minds have been made blank and only follow his specific orders. Like something out of Boston Blackie and innumerable films and TV shows afterward, our adventurer has a friendly but adversarial relationship with a cop, in this case Captain Rowland (Brad Harris). What's unusual in this situation is that the cop may be even better-looking than the private eye. Walker is hired by Joan (Maria Perschy), who works for the sinister Oberon, to find a missing nuclear scientist and uncovers a much more bizarre plot; both Walker and Rowland, with the help of Joan, team up to take down Oberon and save the world. This is the first of several "Kommissar X" films that Kendall, actually an Italian actor, appeared in. Harris was a handsome American actor who appeared in more of the Kommissar X films, as well as other Eurospy features, and was also on Falcon Crest and other US TV shows. Harris and Kendall [The Whip and the Body] make a good team. This is essentially a dubbed German film made with Italian and Yugoslavian co-financing.

Verdict: Not terrible, and a more elaborate production than usual, but Goldfinger it ain't. **1/2.

OPERATION KID BROTHER

Neil Connery as Neil Connery

OPERATION KID BROTHER (aka O.K. Connery/1967). Director: Alberto De Martino.

"I want to be generous. In return for your services, I will give you your life." -- Beta

Wanting to cash in on the James Bond craze like a dozen other producers, somebody got the bright idea of casting Sean Connery's younger brother, Neil, as the hero in this dubbed Italian spy movie. They also cast Lois Maxwell and Bernard Lee (Miss Moneypenny and M) in what are basically the same roles they play in the 007 films. Then they enlisted Adolfo Celi, the villain from Thunderball, and Daniela Bianchi, the heroine from From Russia With Love and concocted a stew that mixes elements from Thunderball (the sinister organization Thanatos instead of Spectre; the evil Rosa Klebb-like lesbian), Goldfinger (Thanatos wants to control the world's gold reserves), and the climactic battle from both films in which the forces of good try to stop the forces of Thanatos from employing a magnetic wave device that will make machinery, planes, arms, etc. inoperable. The basic plot is workable, but there are too many digressions in this, and while it begins well, Operation Kid Brother quickly degenerates into something that is very busy but not very entertaining. Maxwell and Lee actually have more to do in this film than in any of the Bond movies (the producers of the 007 flicks could not have been thrilled with their participation, even if this film was no competition), and they do it well, as does Celi as Mr. Thai or "Beta." Anthony Dawson, who appeared in three Bond films in smaller roles (playing a barely seen Blofeld in two of them) does a beautiful job as the highly dangerous and menacing "Alpha;" it's too bad his performance couldn't have been captured in a better movie. (Dawson most famously appeared as the would-be murderer in Hitchcock's Dial M. for Murder.) As for Neil Connery, few people would make the connection between him and his brother. Now and then you can catch the resemblance from a certain angle, but otherwise he doesn't much look like Sean and he has none of his presence or panache, although he is not unattractive in his own right. In this he is sort of cast as himself, "Dr. Neil Connery," a plastic surgeon who is also an expert archer and has amazing hypnotic powers. M and Miss Moneypenny -- I mean, "Commander Cunningham" and his female assistant "Max" -- refer to Neil's "older brother," who is a master spy, throughout the movie. The biggest problem with the film isn't the script or acting but the direction of master hack Alberto De Martino [The Chosen], who seems overwhelmed by everything and can't craft engaging action sequences to save his life.

Verdict: Ultimately this is pretty bad. *1/2.