TOTAL RECALL (2012)

Jessica Biel and Colin Farrell

TOTAL RECALL (2012). Director: Len Wiseman.

In this remake of an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, the future is a depressing place, the earth ravaged by chemical warfare, with only two inhabitable sections left: The United Federation of Britain, and a place called the Colony (the situation is similar to apartheid in South Africa). As in most visions of the future these days, the cities are built in towering levels. Instead of using airliners, workers get from the colony to UFB by descending through the earth inside a humongous elevator called the "Fall." Trying to escape the aridity of his existence, factory worker Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell) visits a memory-altering place called "Total Recall" for an adventure, but discovers that his entire identity is a complete lie -- he's another person entirely. And his "wife" (Kate Beckinsale of Van Helsing) is out to kill him. Together with new/old girlfriend Melina (Jessica Biel) he struggles to not only stay alive but complete his mission and save thousands of lives. Total Recall is fast-paced and has impressive FX and scenic design, but the characters are paper-thin, and it turns into a fairly standard, un-involving mindless action flick long before it's over. Farrel, Biel and Beckinsale all register the proper attitude and butchness, however.

Verdict: Okay if you have low expectations. **1/2.

VAN HELSING

VAN HELSING (2004). Director/writer: Stephen Sommers.

The church employs an amnesiac named Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) to hunt down and kill all spirits and monsters of darkness, and after defeating an inexplicably giant-sized Mr. Hyde, he is assigned to destroy Dracula and his sexy brides. Helping him with his task is a Transylvanian lovely (Kate Beckinsale, in very contemporary bustier), and a geeky friar. Although this film was released by Universal, it plays much more like a parody of Hammer Horror Films of the sixties and seventies than of the Universal monster flicks of the forties. Unfortunately the campy approach – as it so often does – means that it's impossible to really care about what happens to the one-dimensional characters, and the film falls flat on its feet. [True, James Whale's classic Bride of Frankenstein was itself a parody of Frankenstein, but at least it recreated a period atmosphere; Van Helsing, like Xena and Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, has a very 21st century approach.] The movie's main strength is some striking scenic design, some very effective action scenes, and first-rate special effects, which include winged vampire-women who fly around a town square picking up struggling victims [these vampires are incredibly strong it seems]. There are some interesting concepts in the movie – Dracula wants to use the life energy inside the Frankenstein monster's body to resuscitate thousands of his vampire bat-like children (remember those brides?) -- but after awhile it simply gets too silly and busy for its own good. Jackman and Beckinsale manage to hold on to their dignity, but Richard Roxburgh's over-the-top and perfectly dreadful performance makes him the all-time worst Dracula of the cinema. This is House of Dracula for the “frat boy” generation.

Verdict: If you really love these old movies, forget about this and watch the Universal –or Hammer – films on DVD again. *1/2.