CAPTAIN KIDD AND THE SLAVE GIRL

Anthony Dexter and Eva Gabor

CAPTAIN KIDD AND THE SLAVE GIRL (1954). Director: Lew Landers. 

Captain William Kidd (Anthony Dexter) is convicted of piracy and sentenced to hang (as he was in real life). In this completely fictionalized story, Kidd's death is faked with the complicity of Lord Bellomont (James Seay), who hopes to eventually learn where Kidd's treasure is buried. To that end Kidd is given a new name and put on board a ship helmed by Captain Pace (the ever-uninteresting Lyle Talbot). Also on board is Judith Duvall (Eva Gabor) who was put there to report back to Bellomont. After an adversarial relationship, the two eventually become lovers, possibly because Kidd walks around with his shirt off through much of the movie. Eventually the two encounter Blackbeard (Michael Ross) and lady pirate Ann Bonney (Sonia Sorel). It's a question who will wind up with the treasure and if Kidd and Judith will ever make it back to England. 

Alan Hale Jr. with Dexter

Captain Kidd and the Slave Girl is fast-paced and amusing, with a dashing and adept performance by Dexter, who'd previously played Valentino and appeared in the trash-classic Fire Maidens of Outer Space. Gabor is better than expected, Ross [Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman] makes a blustering Blackbeard, and Sorel is quite effective as Bonney. It's fun watching Kidd turn Gabor into a galley slave early in their relationship, and even more fun watching Gabor and Sorel having a zesty "cat-fight." A hilarious scene has Kidd telling Judith to pretend to be his slave when she is wearing a fancy gown. Someone in the make up department had the lousy idea of painting a beard and mustache on Dexter's face instead of letting him grow one or using a fake beard with spirit gum -- in some shots it looks very strange. Alan Hale Jr. is excellent as Jay Simpson, a good friend of Kidd's who sticks with him to the bitter end. William Tannen also makes an impression as Steve Castle, a decided enemy of Kidd's, and smaller roles are played by William Schallert, Harry Lauter, Ken Terrell, and others who appeared in numerous B movies and serials. Although this movie was released in color, the only print I could find was black and white. 

Verdict: A sexy Kidd never hurts! ***. 

THE WEST POINT STORY

James Cagney

THE WEST POINT STORY (1950). Director: Roy Del Ruth.

Nearly washed-up Broadway director "Bix" Bixby (James Cagney) is importuned to help West Point put on its annual show -- which only uses male cadets. Producer Harry Eberhart (Roland Winters of The Sky Dragon) wants his old rival to talk Harry's nephew, Tom (Gordon MacRae), who is a wonderful singer, out of a career in the army, and he enlists the help of old friend and movie star Jan Wilson (Doris Day). Along for the ride is Bix's sort of girlfriend, Eve Dillon (Virginia Mayo), who keeps her old man on his toes. Cadets Hal (Gene Nelson) and Bull (Alan Hale Jr. of Home Town Story) make a contribution as well -- Hall with his fancy footwork, and Bull in drag as the show's "princess." There are all sorts of complications until the show comes off. The West Point Story starts out well, and for about half an hour it's fun and looks like it will stay that way, until they drag in an idiotic plot point wherein Bix has to become a cadet himself (and obey all of the academy's various rules and regulations) or be removed from directing the show. This might be fine for a Jerry Lewis movie but for this picture, it's disastrous. In general, however, the script is pretty bad and gets worse as it goes along. To Cagney's credit, he retains his dignity throughout, and actually gives a marvelous and amusing performance. Mayo, Nelson and MacRae are fine, as is Doris Day, although she seems to have a zillion too-big teeth in her mouth and, as usual, is virtually devoid of sex appeal. Roland Winters is a lot of fun as Bix' not-so-friendly enemy. Aside from "Military Polka" the Jule Styne/Sammy Cahn songs are pretty awful. Oddly MacRae seems to be aping Bing Crosby in a couple of numbers, even though he has a very different voice from Der Bingle's. The dance that Mayo and Cagney do together to "B'klyn" (another lousy tune) is one of the film's few highlights. We can only imagine what West Point officials thought of this movie! Cagney and Day made a better team in the superior Love Me or Leave Me.

Verdict: It's basically all Cagney's show, and while he's excellent he can't do enough to save it. **1/2.

HOME TOWN STORY

Alan Hale Jr. with the Adorable One

HOME TOWN STORY (1951). Writer/director: Arthur Pierson.

When Blake Washburn (Jeffrey Lynn of The Law of the Tropics) fails in his reelection bid for his senatorial seat, he returns to his home town in Illinois where he is editor of the local paper. He is accused of using the paper to mount a campaign to get himself back into the Senate by attacking the winner, Bob McFarland (Hugh Beaumont of Money Madness). Will Blake allow his political ambition to get the better of him, and will anybody care? Home Town Story is a fairly dull, slight drama that plays more like a TV pilot than a theatrical movie. Lynn is not bad in the lead, and Alan  Hale Jr. [The Cruel Tower] scores as his associate on the newspaper, as do Donald Crisp as McFarland's father and Barbara Brown as Blake's mother, but the movie's chief interest is in the brief appearances by the "Adorable One," Marilyn Monroe, as a secretary. Marjorie Reynolds, Richard Crane, and Byron  Foulger are also in the cast.

Verdict: An early glimpse of the Adorable One, who had presence from the first. **.

THE CRUEL TOWER

THE CRUEL TOWER (1956). Director: Lew Landers.

"I've seen guys with two left feet before, but not on the same leg."

Hungry and needing a job, Tom Kittridge (John Ericson of Rhapsody) goes to work for "Stretch" Clay (Charles McGraw) who is building a kind of water tower in a small town. Stretch has a girl named Mary (Mari Blanchard) even though he already has a wife who's dallying with Stretch's associate, Casey (Steve Brodie). Then there's chubby Joss (Peter Whitney), who is brain-damaged and loyal to Stretch. Unfortunately jealousies and rivalries break out, which isn't so good when men are working high up in the air ... The Cruel Tower might have had more impact had the fellows been working on a skyscraper (as has been erroneously reported elsewhere), but there's still some suspense and excitement, and the tower is plenty high enough for me. Alan Hale Jr. [The Killer is Loose] plays a man who comes afoul of Stretch. The acting is more than okay, with Blanchard [No Place to Land] perhaps making the best impression.

Verdict: Entertaining, with a taut climax, but it just misses being special. **1/2.

IT HAPPENED ON FIFTH AVENUE

IT HAPPENED ON FIFTH AVENUE (1947). Director: Roy Del Ruth.

Aloysius T. McKeever (Victor Moore) is a bum who lives in boarded up mansions while the owners are away for the season. His latest domicile is the Fifth Avenue mansion of Michael O'Connor (Charles Ruggles). A new interloper in the mansion is a homeless soldier, Jim (Don DeFore), and through him a couple of families with children who also need a place to stay. Popping into the mansion for a coat is O'Connor's daughter, Trudy (Gale Storm), who doesn't tell anyone who she is, and when her father and divorced mother (Ann Harding) show up, swears them to secrecy as well. So the world's richest man pretends to be a bum while a hobo dines on his food and wears his clothing ... only in Hollywood! It Happened on Fifth Avenue is meant to be a frothy, hilarious social comedy, but it falls utterly flat. First of all, no movie can convince anyone that it's better to be a homeless hobo than to have money and security -- of course O'Connor is the stereotype of the rich man who has lost touch with real values -- and the film is miscast and not very funny. Don DeFore could be fine in certain roles such as in Too Late for Tears, but he's not exactly Cary Grant. Pretty Gale Storm is equally competent, but this was before she developed a real flair for comedy as on My Little Margie. Victor Moore and Charlie Ruggles are old pros, as is Ann Harding [The Unknown Man], who is pretty much wasted as Trudy's mother; all are given sub-standard material. Grant Mitchell of The Man Who Came to Dinner is his customary tight-assed self. Alan Hale Jr. [Advance to the Rear], later of Gilligan's Island, is fine as one of Jim's soldier buddies. Although Gale Storm could sing and even cut some recordings in later years, her singing voice is dubbed in this.

Verdict: Almost like watching paint dry. *1/2.

ADVANCE TO THE REAR

ADVANCE TO THE REAR (1964). Director: George Marshall.

During the civil war, Union brass are so dismayed by a unit of screw-ups headed by Colonel Brackenbury (Melvyn Douglas), that they reassign them to a backwater outpost -- then realize that they made a dreadful error: a consignment of gold is coming and needs to be guarded by the screw-ups. In the meantime rebel spy, Martha Lou William (Stella Stevens), engages in a cat and mouse game with Brackenbury's second-in-command, Captain Jared Heath (Glenn Ford). Can Brackenbury's men manage to keep the gold out of rebel hands? This is a generally amiable if distinctly minor comedy with a few amusing sequences and characters. Douglas, of course, gives the best performance, but the others are good as well, including Jesse Pearson, who played Conrad in Bye, Bye Birdie, as a soldier with an odd attraction for horses. Jim Backus [I Married Joan], Whit Bissell [The Family Secret], Joan Blondell [Nightmare Alley], and Alan Hale Jr. [The Killer is Loose] are also in the cast.

Verdict: If you think the Civil War was funny ... **1/2.