FLESH GORDON

Flesh Gordon offers to repay Prince Precious

FLESH GORDON (1974). Directors: Michael Benveniste; Howard Ziehm.

In this erotic parody of the Flash Gordon serials, Flesh Gordon (Jason Williams) and Dale Ardor (Suzanne Fields) travel with Dr. Jerkoff (Joseph Hudgins) in his Phallic spaceship to the planet Porno, where the evil Emperor Wang (William Dennis Hunt) is aiming a destructive "sex ray" at the earth. Most of this is a sophomoric semi-romp featuring painfully obvious double entendres (some of which are amusing) with some stop- motion animation by David Allen [The Day Time Ended] and Jim Danforth to enliven the proceedings. The "penisauruses," with big eyeballs at the end of their stalks, aren't badly done; there's a metal insectoid creature that reminds one of the moonmen in First Men in the Moon; and a giant, talking, hooven satyr who carries off Dale at one point -- there are some smooth shots of this creature as well as crude ones. The movie is both progressive and regressive for its day, with the members of the Amazon Underground trying to have their way with Dale and called "Dykes!" by Jerkoff. Meanwhile Prince Precious (Prince Barin in the original), played by Mycle [sic] Brandy, leads a band of gay merry men. Unlike the amazon queen the prince is not played as a stereotype except for one scene when he screams like a woman. After the prince helps save Flesh and the others, Flesh asks him if he can repay him -- Precious gives Flesh a blow job! While there are plenty of naked breasts "fleshing" about, this is pretty soft-core, with sexual activity being more suggested than anything else. Joseph Hudgins, who is actually quite good, does a dead-on imitation of Frank Shannon in the original serials. (As Dr. Jerkoff puts it as regards his rocket ship: "I was able to get most of the parts from the Sears catalog.") Fields and Brandy are fine in their respective roles, getting into the spirit of the silliness, while it's tempting to say that Williams makes Sam J. Jones (as well as Buster Crabbe) in Flash Gordon look like Laurence Olivier, but he's adequate. Hunt chews the scenery as Wang, which is appropriate, but doesn't erase the memories of the much more restrained Charles Middleton. Ultimately, this would have worked better as a short sketch instead of a 90 minute movie! Craig T. Nelson [Poltergeist] did the voice of the giant Satyr. Followed by Flash Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders which replaced Jason Williams with Vince Murdocco, and which, if I recall correctly, had some gross if imaginative touches to it.

Verdict: A somewhat clever, more often dopey, college kid's movie, with occasionally decent visual effects. **.

WHEN DINOSAURS RULED THE EARTH

WHEN DINOSAURS RULED THE EARTH (1970). Writer/director: Val Guest.

In another impossible world where humans and dinosaurs interact in the same time period, a pretty blond woman, Sanna (Victoria Vetri), finds she is to be sacrificed to the sun. Due to a fluke, she manages to escape, where she encounters handsome Tara (Robin Hawden), who belongs to another tribe. Trouble begins because Tara prefers Sanna to his chosen mate, and in due course he earns the enmity of most of his tribe. In the meantime Sanna runs off, takes shelter during a storm inside an eggshell, and finds herself befriended by a newly-hatched dinosaur even as it gets larger and larger. Reunited, Tara and Sanna wind up on the run from his tribe, until a cataclysm signals the creation of the moon.

Essentially a sequel or remake of Hammer's One Million Years, B.C., this is not really a better movie but it got more attention and better reviews,with some critics charmed by the business with Sanna and her pet dinosaur. When I first saw this in theaters on a double-bill with The Valley of Gwangi, I was confused, because it looked like a Ray Harryhausen movie but as soon as a triceratops thundered out of a cave, I could immediately see that the animation wasn't as good. That's because the animation wasn't done by Harryhausen but by Jim Danforth, who was certainly not untalented but never quite as good as the Master. While the animation of the aforementioned triceratops lacks that certain fluidity that marks the best of Harryhausen's work, there are still some very good sequences in this, including Sanna's "pet," who reminds one a bit of The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, and some deadly scuttling crabs the size of large dogs who even seem to have a bit of nasty personality. There aren't enough monsters in the movie, so a couple of clips from the 1960 Lost World are thrown in for good measure. Vetri, Hawden and the others manage some very effective pantomiming, and there's some limited language among the cave people. Oddly these savages seem to care for one another at times. Mario Nascimbene's score is better than the one he did for One Million Years, B.C., although his overuse of a sound like sticks hitting one another is annoying.

Victoria Vetri had quite a few credits before this picture under the name "Angela Dorian," including Rosemary's Baby. She appeared in Playboy and sort of reinvented herself as Vetri, winning a lead role in Dinosaurs that did nothing for her career. She later shot her husband and is in jail for involuntary manslaughter until 2020. Robin Hawden was essentially a British TV actor who later turned playwright and novelist. In this picture he had a lean, attractive swimmer's built but might have had an entirely different career if he'd had a few muscles! Val Guest directed The Abominable Snowman and many other movies.

Verdict: You get a little bored waiting for the dinosaurs to show up, but there are some good FX. **1/2.

PLANET OF DINOSAURS

PLANET OF DINOSAURS (1977). Director: James K. Shea.

A spaceship has to make an emergency landing on a planet that is still in the prehistoric era, complete with lots of dinosaurs. (As usual in movies like this, the characters spend virtually no time talking about their loved ones back home that they might never see again.) A conflict breaks out because Captain Norsythe (Louie Lawless) is cautious and concerned with protecting his crews' lives when it comes to dinosaurs, while his chief opponent, Jim (James Whitworth) feels any risk is acceptable to become master of the monsters. (His attitude is actually more negative than the captain's, because he's assuming they will never be rescued.) As they bicker, they run into a brontosaurus, a big spider, and a battle between a stegosaurus and T Rex, then finally work together to kill an allosaurus (pictured) who keeps attacking their camp. The visual effects artists include Jim Danforth and Doug Beswick, and some of the stop-motion work isn't badly done. There is some attempt at characterization in the film, and some more-than-adequate actors, such as Lawless and Pamela Bottaro as Nyla. Harvey Baylor (Harvey Shain) is the obnoxious businessman who hired the space shuttle and is finally killed off in one of the movie's better moments. One crewman, Chuck, (Chuck Pennington) walks around shirtless throughout the entire movie as if he needed to show off his muscles. None of the people who are killed off ever seem to be mourned by anyone. Of the actors, Whitworth and handsome Max (Michael) Thayer as another crewman amassed the most credits.

Verdict: Not terrible space saga with some decent effects work. **1/2.